Skin Deep
by IamtheLizardQueen
Summary: Angst in the true sense of the word - ie, a death wish . Told mostly in Usagi's POV, the struggle to deal with life in general
1. Default Chapter

Okay, I have a lot to say.First off the disclaimer stuff.I don't own Sailor Moon.Clear?Now, the hard stuff: this story is quite disturbing and deals with suicide.I am in no way stating that this is a good thing to do.Also this form of depression is probably more typical of an individualist society such as North America, then Japan, but as I am from NA, I used what was familiar.I try to stress in this story that depression is not a simple process and that it was not 'caused' by Mamoru breaking up with Usagi.No depression works that fast – depression has a number of factors and can't be started by a break up and 'cured' by getting back together.I purposely change tenses and have Usagi contradict herself, in order to make it feel more like a stream of consciousness.I do switch from Mamoru's POV to Usagi's POV, and I hope make that clear.Last, I would like to say that this is not a cheery fiction but that it is also not typical of all my writing, so I hope I don't offend anyone to the point where you never read my stuff again.The song I use in this story is horrible so that should be enough to tell you it's mine (J).Please don't steal it!Enjoy!

24/2/01

Skin Deep

I awoke out of a deep sleep because of a horrifying dream, a nightmare that I had been experiencing every night for the past few months.God forsaken dreams, keeping me from her side, and making me hurt her so she'll stay away and be safe.Not for the first time, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.I see her every now and then and it kills me to see how down she is.Her smile is forced, her movements slow, and her eyes… they're hauntingly sad.She drags her gold hair on the ground.But she'll get over me soon.She has too much going for her to let a break-up with a guy like me keep her down for long and she has her friends and family.She'll be better off, I think.Then again, how much do I really know about my angel?Most of the time I've been with her we've been involved in some world catastrophe or another.Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask have gone on countless missions and adventures together, but Usagi and Mamoru?As a couple, we have had very little quality time.Just those few blissful months after the doom tree fiasco, but before the dreams came…Since I have little to do nowadays but think about her, I've been wondering if there's more going on with Usako.I find myself wondering what goes on behind those big, blue, eyes of hers.

" Do you really want to know?"

Seeing as how I was in my own apartment, late at night, I was a little surprised to hear a voice.Make that petrified.

" Excuse me?"I managed to get out.There was a bright flash of green and red, and a figure stepped into my room.It was too bright to make out any features, but the voice was cool and female.

" Do you want to know what Usagi goes through, what she thinks and does?"

" I… uh, can you do that?"

" Yes.I make this suggestion to help you decide what to do about these dreams.I cannot stop the dreams from coming; they are not of my creation, so instead I offer you some balance.I can help you see the affect of your decisions."

" I'd do anything to get rid of these dreams but I don't understand what you're asking me to do", I said.

" I will open a portal, it will show you all the events and thoughts of Usagi starting with her appearance as Sailor Moon up until the present hour.You will be able to pause the 'tape' at certain times to think things over, but overall once you start, the show will not stop.I will place you in an area outside of the regular flow of time - that way you can watch without any time actually going by.But I feel I must warn you that this is not a proposition to take lightly.You may not like what you see, and because these events are in the past, you will not be able to have any affect over them."

How could it be a bad thing to find out all about my love?This offering was like an answer to my prayers, a chance to find out if I'd done the right thing by breaking up with her.

" I understand.When can we start?" I said.

" Whenever you wish.You have chosen then?"

" Yes, show me.I understand the risks, but I'll do this for her.I'd do anything for her."

" We'll soon find out if that's true", said the voice.There was another flash of green and then I blacked out.I woke up thinking the whole thing had been a dream.However, my bed was no longer in my apartment.It was floating in a featureless place – obviously the place where time had been stopped.I assumed that meant I too would not get older, or feel tired.At the foot of my bed was a whirling mass of smoke and flashy lights.

" Hey, maybe this is the portal", I mumbled aloud.Then I slapped my forehead because it was such a stupid observation.I'm not at my best in the morning.The vortex appeared to be two-dimensional since it was completely invisible from the side, as though it were a picture hanging in mid air or a tear in the fabric of space.After my initial marvelling, I became perplexed since I couldn't see how it worked.I was sitting on my bed staring right at it and nothing was happening except the aforementioned swirling lights and smoke.Okay, where was the on switch?

" Work, damn you.Abracadabra, hocus-pocus, moon power", I said hoping to activate it while at the same time feeling glad that nobody was around to see me." Would you just show me Usako?"And suddenly the vortex spun into action, and before me I could see Usako, and I could hear her thoughts and all manner of things that should have been impossible.There were big glowing buttons at the bottom of the screen too, that read PAUSE and START and END.I hit the start key, relaxed on my bed, and watched her story unfold.

***

I can't believe I failed another test.I swear I studied for this one, but I bet nobody would believe me.Of course with a mark like thirty, I don't even believe myself.Either I'm incredibly stupid or I'm lazy, those are my options.God, either way it hurts.

" Arg!"I cried out in frustration as I threw the test paper away.

" Hey!Watch where you throw your garbage!"

Oh my God, I hit someone.

" Wow, I'm so sorry.I wasn't aiming for you I swear.Sorry", I babbled, while trying to get my test back.No need for anyone else to see my grade, but unfortunately I was too late.

" A thirty?Tell me are you stupid or just lazy?"My own words coming back at me, reinforced by a complete stranger, were even harder to hear.

" Shut-up and give me back my paper!"

" Sure, I mean who wouldn't want to hang on to such a great test?You must feel so proud", said the dark haired man sarcastically.He smirked and walked away.I was fuming mad but by the time I came up with a comeback he was long gone.Who was I kidding?Even if I got rid of this test and somehow got my mom to forget about it, there will still be other tests, and I'll fail those as well.What if I don't pass this grade?I'll be left behind and I won't even have Molly to make me feel better.Oh well, I'll worry about that later, after I've killed some time at the arcade.

I walked into the arcade, cheerfulness in place.I love the arcade.Nothing ever changes here, except maybe a new Sailor V game every now and then, and all your problems seem to fade into the background.Or maybe it's the food that does that, since I love food too.

" Hey Andrew", I said.

" Hey Serena", Andrew said." Come to give that game another try?"

" You bet", I said.I sat down at the game console and worked diligently until it was game over.Glancing at my watch, I saw that I was going to be late for dinner, so I waved a quick goodbye to Andrew and took off running for home.I almost made it home without falling when my foot tripped over something and sent me sprawling.Since this happens on a daily basis, and because there was nobody around to hear me, I decided it wasn't worth crying over.

I looked around to see what had tripped me up and caused my skinned knee and saw a black cat with a funny bandage on her forehead.

" Hi there kitty, sorry about that.Clumsy me, just about squished you.Come here, and let me take off this thing", I said, and peeled off the covering since it was obviously annoying the cat.

" Hey!That's our cat, get away!"Shouted a voice.Three boys, probably about twelve years old, were running towards me.

" Oh, I didn't know she belonged to anyone."The boys all looked at each other and smiled nastily.The cat dodged behind my legs and hissed at them.

" Well now you do, so move it."

" Wait a minute, prove to me she's yours.She doesn't look particularly happy to see you", I said.I crossed my arms and tried to look threatening.However, I'm a scrawny, short, blonde girl of fourteen years, and they out numbered me, so I wasn't really scary.

" We don't have to tell you anything", said one kid, and he pushed me.I stumbled, but managed to regain my balance.As quick as I could I dropped my bag in order to pick up the cat, turned, and ran.They gave chase for a couple of blocks but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's running away from difficult situations.I arrived home breathless but triumphant.

" Serena, you're late, again!And what's that you have in your arms?"

I proceeded to explain, and though I thought my excuse to be a sound one, my mom thought something else.

" How could you just leave your bag?Do you think we are made of money young lady?And that still doesn't explain why you're so late."

" Sorry mom, I didn't think…"

" That's just it, you never stop to think things through.Oh well, I suppose it could have been worse, and the cat is pretty cute.You can keep her so long as nobody claims her and that you look after her properly.I suppose your math test was in your bag?"

I stupidly checked my pocket only to produce the ill-fated test.I had the perfect excuse but did I think to use it?Oh no.I leave behind my bag, with my lunch kit, my wallet (which was empty thank goodness), and my pens and pencils (no homework, because I'd left it behind this morning), but I had still managed to bring the test.I swear it's a conspiracy.

" A thirty!?!You have got to be kidding me Usagi.When your father gets home… well I shudder to think what he'll say.You march yourself straight up those stairs and think about how you're going to fix this."

Dejected I headed up the stairs, the cat following at my heels.I got to my room and flopped on my bed, wondering what the punishment would be this time.

" Usagi, I have been looking for you a long time.We have to talk", said the cat.Frightened, I jumped off my bed and stared at the cat with the moon shape on her forehead.

" Did you just say something?"

" Yes, my name is Luna.I'm a guardian cat from the long ago moon kingdom, and you are my charge, Sailor Moon."I did the only thing a sane person would do in this situation: I fainted.

I woke up to the sounds of an irate cat, bemoaning her fate as guardian of such a meatball head.I've sunk to a new low - being looked down on by animals.

" What's going on?I made not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'm pretty sure cats don't usually talk."

" If you would just listen instead of fainting, I can help", said Luna.Luna then did what she called a mind meld, and some of the questions I had were answered.She coaxed me into trying out my new identity.

" Moon Crystal Power!" I said and was enveloped in a dizzying array of flashing lights.In that first moment when I looked down and saw what I had become, all I could think was that this changed everything.Confusing images flitted through my brain, while fear, disbelief, and uncertainty, warred for supremacy.I didn't want to be this person – I wasn't supposed to be her.Somebody had made a mistake, what could I do?I couldn't even handle a regular life; the life of a superhero was even more out of the picture.

" This is your secret identity, Sailor Moon.Nobody will recognize you while you are in this form.It is essential that this remain a secret."

" What about my parents?I can't tell them?"

" Absolutely not.They would be in danger if your enemies thought they could get to you through them."

" Enemies?"I said, my heart sinking even further.

" Of course, that's why you're here."

I would have liked to have said more, I would have liked to have made it clear that I was in no way a fighter, I wanted to scream out the question Luna kept ignoring as though it were trivial; namely, 'why me'?Then I heard a voice, it sounded like Molly and she was crying out with fear.

" I hear something, my friend Molly", I said slowly.I might hate this but I wouldn't let one of my friends be hurt because I couldn't suck it up and do my job.

We took off towards the disturbance and when I entered the room, Molly was lying unconscious on the ground and standing over her was a monster.I couldn't help it, I freaked out.I didn't see how arriving dressed up as cheerleader was somehow supposed to give me the advantage over a very large monster.I was still only a fourteen-year-old girl, what could I possibly do?Then the monster hit me.I don't know I was so surprised but I was, and it really scared me to realize all the implications.I needed time to think but Molly was still on the ground and the monster didn't care that I was crying…

I tried to put my fears aside, and rose to my feet.My knees were knocking and I felt sick, but I felt like I had to do something.Then a rose hit the monster and for the first time all day I felt some hope.

" Don't be afraid, you can do this if you believe", said a man dressed in a tuxedo.

" Sailor Moon, take hold of your tiara and shout ' moon tiara magic'", said Luna.

Since I had followed everything else she'd told me, I decided this was no different.I completed the manoeuvre and the monster turned to dust.I looked up for my saviour but he was gone.I de-transformed and went to help Molly.

" Huh?What happened?Serena, what are you doing here?"Molly said when she awoke.

" I was walking by and heard you cry out.Someone named Sailor Moon saved you", I said.Already I was being forced to lie to my best friend.

" Oh, I wish I could have thanked her."

As the days went by I got used to running out on my family and friends at strange times to go and fight youmas.I got better at lying about my whereabouts and about why my appetite was greater then usual and my sleeping habits even worse.At school, things didn't change much.My teachers were accustomed to getting mediocre projects and half finished assignments from me so there was no difficulty there – except that I was doing twice the amount of work for the same result. 

Molly and I were having some problems.Nothing much really, just a general drifting apart as Molly started thinking I was a flake for constantly breaking off our plans, and I hated lying to her so I tended to avoid her too.It still hurt.

" Hey, Usagi, did you hear?There's a new girl in class, from the brain farm."

" Really?"I looked into the classroom and sitting quietly at a desk was a petite, blue haired girl.She was pretending to read a book, but I could tell she was trying to avoid talking to anyone.No doubt because of the 'brain farm' rumours that were circulating about her.Well, as class clown and overall underachiever, it was my duty to help those with unfortunate labels.

" Hi, I'm Usagi.What's your name?" I asked.

" Um, it's Ami.Ami Mizuno.Nice to meet you Usagi."

" So my friends tell me you're really smart…" she blushed and turned away but I didn't want her to think I was teasing her." But then most people are compared to me.I really love your hair, maybe I should get mine cut like that.I bet it's easy to take care of…"I rattled on and gradually Ami came around.She started giggling when I started to explain the trials of having hair as long as mine, like for instance getting it caught in bus doors and then having said bus drive away.

" Well, I wouldn't cut your hair anyway.It's very pretty", Ami said shyly.

" Oh, I can tell you and me are going to get along very well", I said with a laugh.Unfortunately, class started and Ami turned out to be just as smart as everyone said she was.I began to have my doubts about any developing friendship, since why would she want to hang around with me?She'd want some intelligent friends to talk with.

I later found out that Ami Mizuno was Sailor Mercury.It was during another battle and I was thrilled to discover there was someone else like me.Of course there was always that mysterious man in the cape, but I had no idea who he was.Ami and I became friends, and although she was incredibly kind and gentle, I always sort of wondered if my predictions regarding our friendship (that she would find better friends) would have come true had it not been for our Sailor status.Days continued to go on, and although having another scout around reduced some of my work, I also had to be doubly on the alert to assure she didn't get hurt.And there was the fact that Luna constantly compared me to Ami in less then favourable terms.I don't know why Ami adapted so much easier to the business then I did, but Luna just blamed it on me.Funny thing was, I was really desperate to prove myself to the cat.For her to have come all this way to look after me made me feel special, now if only I could make her proud.

It was a few weeks after the appearance of Sailor Mercury that we found ourselves at the Cherry Hill Temple Shrine on Sailor business.It seems people were disappearing from around that area and Luna had a 'feeling' about the priestess who worked there.The priestess was a girl our age with long, burgundy/black hair and violet eyes.Or maybe I should say violent eyes, as she hit me the very first time I met her when all I was doing was thinking about how beautiful she was.

" Evil spirit be gone!" yelled the girl as I approached.I wasn't really expecting an attack and her foot connected with my head.Next thing I knew I was waking up on a bed inside the shrine." Oh good, you're awake.My name is Rei, I live here at the temple."

" And you hit me because?"

" Sorry about that.I thought you were evil."Well that makes me feel better.

" No problem, I guess.Still, my head really hurts!"

" Oh give me a break, I barely touched you!"She said.Unfortunately for me, this girl who seemed to take an instant dislike to me (and an instant liking to pointing out my faults) turned out to be Sailor Mars.So now there was another scout and Luna seemed to take an immediate liking to our little pyromaniac.In fact at the end of every battle Rei would tell me precisely what I did wrong and then Luna would say something along the lines of "Rei's right, you have to start taking more responsibility".Not that I minded really, but I was improving and nobody seemed to notice.They just saw how far away I was from being the 'ideal' sailor scout.Or maybe I'm being melodramatic.Lately, I've found that I've been spending too much time brooding.

" Snap out of it you moon brain!Me and Amy are going to the amusement park, and I suppose you'll insist upon coming along…"

I think Rei kept talking, but I tuned her out.An amusement park; I could act like a kid and nobody would be able to say a word about it being unbecoming for a young lady, or a sailor in training.Finally a day to just relax.

We got to the park and the first thing out of Rei's mouth was,

" I'm getting a bad vibe from this place".We decided to split up and look for anything suspicious.I'm not sure how it happened but I got stuck with Rei.

" The train will take us all around the park, what's the problem?"I asked.It had been my idea to ride the little train that takes you around the park.Because it was my idea, Rei thought it was stupid.

" You are so lazy, it's unbelievable!" she yelled.I didn't listen, but instead climbed on board.Again, don't ask me how it happened but part way through the trip, with Rei grumbling behind me, the train jerked to a stop and I slid into the person in front me of me.How embarrassing!And it didn't help that Rei was laughing her fool head off.

" I am so sorry, I didn't mean to hit you, it was an accident", I said sincerely to the man I had hit.

" Now that I believe, Meatball head, you've always been a walking disaster."

" Oh no, not you", I said, but it was.Mamoru, the same man I had hit on the head with that infamous test paper, was sitting in front of me smirking.Ever since our first meeting, I seemed to see him everywhere.Like Rei, it seemed he enjoyed making my life miserable.He teased me, he made snide comments; in short he made me want to avoid the arcade, my sanctuary, since he was almost always there.

" Meatball head?Why, that's the perfect name for her.I can't believe I never thought of it before, her hair looks like meatballs and she has spaghetti for brains.Meatball head!"

" Hey, I'd never thought about the spaghetti for brains idea, but you're right it all makes sense!"

" What is this?'The enemy of my enemy is my friend'?" I screeched.I really did not like the idea of my two tormentors teaming up on me.This day was getting worse and worse – despite all my hopes that today I would be able to put things in perspective.I needed a chance to deal with things, but the battles just kept on coming.We defeated the enemy that day and when it was over, I felt so overwhelmed by everything that I didn't even stay to listen to Rei and Luna's play-by-play of my actions.I went home and I cried.

I cried because I was never going to be good enough.I cried because nobody understood, and nobody cared.Nobody had asked me whether or not I wanted to be a sailor scout; I was just expected to go along with everything people said.I cried because I had no control over my life and I didn't know how to get it back.

" Now why are you crying?Honestly, you're going to be fifteen soon, it's time you started to act your age", Luna said, coming into my room.

" I am!" I said angrily, before going in to the bathroom and slamming the door shut.Was there no place I could escape?

The next couple of days were harder then usual, but I don't know why.I just felt like I was tired or something, but it wasn't as if I was sleepy.More like I was worn out, depleted.I was thinking about my current lack of enthusiasm when I caught a whiff of the most heavenly aroma.My stomach growled, reminding me that I had yet again forgotten my lunch and that it was lunchtime.I followed my nose and it led me to a tall brown-haired girl, with startling green eyes and a pained expression.Melvin, the class nerd and gossip know it all, had already informed me that she was a new student who got kicked out of her old school for fighting.I wasn't afraid of her though, I mean, as Sailor Moon I fought all the time and I could only hope that people didn't judge my personality on that one trait.

" What do you want?" she said.Her voice was harsh but underneath that it was tremulous.Imagine coming to a new school and having people stare at you all day.I hate it when people watch me; it usually makes me have a klutz attack, which is why they're watching me in the first place.Quite a cruel cycle really.

" Hi!I'm Usagi; you must be the new girl, Maki… Mako…"

" Makoto.Makoto Kino."

" Yes, that's it.Sorry I couldn't remember, I'm a bit of a ditz.Do you mind if I sit here?"

" I guess not.Aren't you… aren't you afraid of me?"

" What?Why?"I asked, giving her my best wide-eyed innocent look.The girl smiled and the frown fled.She was really pretty I realized.

" Forget it", she said.Then my stomach growled." Oh, do you want some of my lunch?I love to cook and always bring way too much."

" Really?Thanks!I thought I was going to starve to death", I said.The food was really good and I told her so.

" Thank you, it means a lot to me when people say that.You're welcome to share lunch with me anytime". 

I realize now she was just being polite but at the time, I was so thrilled that I had a new friend.Someone to sit with during lunch while Amy was in one of her 'get ahead' classes.Makoto was a strong person.As I got to know her and found out all the horrible things that had happened to her during her childhood, it made me realize what a complainer I was.She had never had a stable home life and then she'd lost both her parents in a plane crash.After that she'd been passed around to various foster homes until she'd been allowed to live on her own.It made me feel guilty for ever having thought that I had problems.

When we discovered that Makoto was Sailor Jupiter, I was not as happy as I should have been.I guess I wanted her to be my friend without feeling she had to be, but now I would never know if her friendship was genuine.Still Jupiter was a great addition to our group and when Rei made her bid to be leader, Makoto stood up for me.I remember that scene very well.

I was walking towards the temple for our scout meeting, and I was early for once.As I approached the door, I noticed the girls were already gathered and it appeared like they had been there some time, as though they'd planned a meeting of their own…

" I just hate that I have to listen to that Meatball head when its clear she has no clue what she's talking about!"

" But she is getting better", Amy said gently, " you should have seen her when it was just her and I."

And I suppose all the monsters I destroyed on my own before either of you arrived were destroyed by pure luck?

" Luna, should we even be talking about this?I mean, she's Sailor Moon, she has to be our leader right?"Makoto said confused.

" I will not hold to tradition if it puts any of you in danger or if it creates too much tension.I admit, I too am wondering whether having Usagi in charge is a good idea", Luna said, breaking my heart." But of course, we must not downplay her importance.She has much more responsibility and power then the rest of you, it is likely very hard on her."

" I'm sure it is and that's why I think I should be leader.I think I could handle it better – she'll get hurt if she keeps running around like a goof-ball.Don't you think so Amy?"

" I don't know, I think she deserves a second chance."

Second chance?When had I been given a first one? I hadn't realized how much they hated working under my leadership.I'd always sort-of seen us as more of a team anyway.I mean, if there was an important decision to make then we all made it together, like a democracy.We contributed by way of our strengths.Then I thought further and realized that was the problem.Amy was the smart one, she came up with plans; Rei was the courageous and insightful one; she always knew when something was going wrong; Lita was the strong one, the powerhouse.Me, who was I?I'm supposed to be their leader and yet what did I bring to the table?Nothing; I just waved a stupid wand and healed people.Not much effort required there except for the demanding energy resources of the crescent wand.

"I think Serena should remain our leader.I'm sure she'll prove herself soon", Makoto said.

" Well, maybe we should warn her that if she continues to act poorly, further steps may be taken?"Amy said hesitantly.

" The next time something goes wrong, I'm going to tell her to shape-up or else.Speaking of that, she's late!I can't believe that meatball head!"

I was still standing outside Rei's room in shock.Funny thing was, much as I hated the problems that came with being Sailor Moon, I didn't want them to take that away.It was the one thing that me special.There were moments when the monster would turn to dust, and the people it had attacked would raise themselves up and be so grateful that they were alive…I would miss not being able to protect people.I thought of going inside to the meeting, but eventually decided that I couldn't face them.I knew if I looked at them, I'd see the disappointment and frustration that was inside me, mirrored in their eyes.Or worse I'd start crying and be thought even less of.

I went to the park instead and wandered around.The light was fading as evening approached night and there weren't many people in the park.I saw Mamoru walking down by the rose bushes and quickly dodged behind a tree so he wouldn't see me.Unfortunately, he sat on a bench in front of the very tree I was behind, blocking off any escape.Since I was stuck there I took the chance to observe him.He was really good looking I had to admit, and I could see why Rei followed him around, but there was something about him this evening that really got my attention.His eyes looked so mournful, and his body language just added to the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt emanating from him.It made me feel bad for yelling at him all the time and for running into him.Of course, the latter was beyond my control.I couldn't walk twenty paces without tripping, especially if I knew he was in the vicinity.He made me nervous – I worried about what he thought of me.He sighed and then stood up, leaving a blood red rose lying on the bench.I picked it up once he had left, the smell delighting me, but I pricked my finger on a thorn and drew blood.

I went home that night and shut the door tightly.I ignored Luna's persistent scratching at my door; I wasn't in the mood for a lecture.I thought of my 'friends' who only seemed to see me in terms of what I contributed to the team, I thought of my family who thought I was ignoring them lately, I thought of Mamoru who would make fun of me if he knew that I was starting to change my opinions in regards to him.I thought of everything I was going through and wearily pulled the covers of my bed over my head.Sleep means oblivion, a respite from my thoughts; it didn't come.

" Good morning Usagi, I made you your favourite breakfast.Eat up, and I'll give you a ride to school", my mom said.

" Happy Birthday, Usagi", Shingo said unenthusiastically to me, when my mom started glaring at him.

" Oh yes, how does it feel to be fifteen?" asked my father.

" Fine", I said, stuffing my face with chocolate chip pancakes.

" Of course, we'll expect even more from you now that you're a full year older", my father concluded.He couldn't just wish me a happy birthday could he?Just had to put in that extra little dig. 

" Usagi dear, I want you home for supper tonight.I'm making a cake and there are a few presents for you to open…"

" Sure, of course I'll be home, why wouldn't I be?"

Famous last words.I was just getting out of school, ridiculously upset for getting a detention on my birthday but cheered by the thought of being with my family this evening, when I heard screaming.It took me awhile to locate the source of the sound, but eventually I wound up down at the docks.The other scouts were already there and transformed, so I did the same.

" About time you got here", Rei said.

" I was at school", I complained.

" Only because you had detention", she replied.

I stuck out my tongue at her and then turned to see what our situation was.Hanging from a crane was… I?No, it was a Sailor Moon look-alike and I think we all knew it was a trap.What we didn't know was whom it was for.

" Come out, Tuxedo Mask, or your girlfriend gets it", said a man appearing in the sky.He had white hair and an evil expression.

" Hold it!I am Sailor Moon, the original if you don't mind.What's going on?"I yelled.Okay, definitely not my best speech, but I was angry.Nobody got to be Sailor Moon but me.

" Ah, the scouts.I'm Malachite, too bad I don't have time to get to know you better because you'll soon be dead", he said.With that said, we became trapped inside a black bubble type thing.Our attacks were useless against it and it kept growing smaller.I remember feeling very scared at that moment.The fake Sailor Moon turned out to Zoicite, another enemy, and it was all a set-up to make sure Tuxedo Mask arrived.Meanwhile I couldn't tell Tuxedo Mask this and so I felt responsible for his trouble.He always comes to save me, and now that had put him in danger.The shield got smaller and we all started to panic when suddenly the shield dissolved.

I looked around, and standing on a nearby building was another sailor scout.She had flowing blonde hair, a red bow, and a killer smile.I was very glad she was on our side.With all five of us scouts, our enemies didn't think they had much chance I guess and disappeared.

" Sailor Venus, is that really you?"

" Yep, I'm really glad to finally be meeting all you guys.And this is my cat Artemis."

A sleek white cat with a crescent moon on his forehead just like Luna's appeared by her side.Introductions went all around and then Sailor Venus had to leave.

" She was like, almost rude", Rei said in regards to the new scouts rapid exit.

" I think she's wicked cool", I said.She kind-of looked like me, or rather she looked like the best possible me.She had everything I was being criticized for lacking.I stared up into the night in the direction she had gone, the stars twinkling.Wait, stars?Oh God, it was past nine o'clock.

" Well you would, I mean you have no manners at all", Rei snorted.The rest of them laughed.

" Usagi, I hope you realized that because of your rash behaviour you put the whole team in danger tonight.I spent a week at Amy's hoping my absence would get you to think but obviously, nothing can get through to you.How have you been spending your free time?"

" Luna, I can't stay and listen.I'm sorry guys, but I really have to get going too.I'm going to be in so much trouble", I muttered.It wasn't the thought of getting punished, it was the thought of letting my family down that was making me upset.

" Why?Isn't your curfew at ten?You just don't want to listen do you?" Amy said.

" That's not it, I swear", I said." My mom planned something special for me and my family.She specifically requested that I be home after school."

" Well, maybe she can delay whatever she had planned", Amy said in a gentler voice.

" But today's my birthday", I said quietly, before dashing off.I had to get home.I had to make this right with everyone.I hadn't missed a birthday in fourteen years and mom really loved these types of things.Once again, I had messed up.

" We waited for you."

" I know, I'm sorry…I tried to…"

" We waited until the special dinner I cooked for you became inedible.We waited thinking you would at least have the decency to call.I don't understand what's come over you lately, Usagi.I keep trying to convince my self that it's all a phase but…do you know your father specifically requested the night shift so that he could be home when you came home from school?He had to go to work not knowing where you were or why you didn't want to celebrate with us.Are you going to tell me where you were?"

Tears were welling up in my eyes.I wanted so much to just crawl onto her lap like I did when I was little.But I couldn't, and I on top of that I had to lie to her, again.

" The girls, they, uh… threw a surprise party for me.Blindfolded me and brought me to Rei's house.Makoto baked a cake…"I said, my voice breaking.Wouldn't it have been great if they had?Then I wouldn't be here sitting and feeling like the worst daughter on earth.Why did I have to be reborn if I was only going to be such a failure?

" I baked a cake too", my mother said, wiping away a tear quickly." I guess I can understand that you'd want to be with your friends".

" No, that's not it.I just, I can't explain.But mom?Can I have a piece of your cake?" I said, wanting her to know I really appreciated all she did for me.She must have seen the tears that were threatening to spill over in my eyes because I saw her hurt dissipate a little.She pulled out a double chocolate cake with pink roses on it.Fifteen burnt out birthday candles were on top of it, congealing in their own wax.We both pretended not to notice, and we sat at the table silently eating our cake.

The next day at school, I got apologies from Makoto and Amy about missing my birthday.We were walking home after school and they had promised me the biggest sundae money could buy at the Crown arcade as a belated birthday gift.

" It's okay, it's not like I told you or anything", I said.

" Actually, you did a few weeks ago, but with all the running around and meeting Sailor Venus and all, I guess we just forgot.Anyway, we are really sorry and Rei has even promised to not tease you about your organizational skills anymore since… well since were obviously not much better", Makoto said.

" And I don't know why I said what I said.I'm frustrated we can't beat our enemies, and I think I might have been blaming you a little too much.Forgiven?"Amy asked.

" Of course, you both are.Besides, you know me.Nothing effects me for long", I said glibly.If only that were true, I couldn't help thinking. Imagine being able to forget the tears in my mother's eyes, and to forget the silence that my father had greeted me with this morning.

" Hey, watch it Meatball head", said Mamoru, as I walked into the arcade and collided with him.

" Sorry", I said.How often had I said that word in the past few days?Too many.

" Barkeep?Your biggest chocolate sundae!Chop-chop!" Makoto said, in a mockingly brisk voice.

" Yes ma'am!" said Andrew with a smile and a salute.He passed Makoto the sundae, which was then passed it on to me.

" Dig in, girl!"I did not need to be told twice.I plunged the spoon in quickly, artfully mixing the chocolate and ice cream in perfect symmetry and was just about to take a bite when,

" Don't tell me you're going to eat that whole thing by yourself?" said Mamoru.He sat down next to Makoto across from me.I could feel my face heating with embarrassment.He must think I'm such a pig.I couldn't eat with him sitting right there.

" Oh what do you care?" I said angrily, lowering my spoon.How come when he looked at me I saw none of that sensitive, tender, side that I knew existed, but only malicious intent? 

" You're right, I don't."

" Oh, would you leave her alone?This is her birthday present", Makoto said, seeing her gift was being ruined by the intervention of Mamoru.

" Oh, it's your birthday?Happy birthday, Meatball head", Mamoru said.

" Actually, it was yesterday.She turned fifteen", Amy announced.

" So how did you celebrate?" asked Andrew, coming over to our table again.

" I, uh, nothing much actually", I said quietly.

" Ha, so little miss popularity got passed over on her birthday?Why am I not surprised?"

" Shut-up!You don't know anything about me!Nobody does!Thank you so much for the sundae girls, but I think I have a better use for it."I pushed the sundae across the table, where it slid off the edge and landed in Mamoru's lap.I didn't even stay long enough to watch his expression.

PAUSE

So that's why she did that to me.I remember that day, how could I not when all three witnesses said I deserved what I got?I'd forgotten how I used to tease her so badly, but at the time it did it because I thought she had everything, and yet wasted all that potential.She had a family, I didn't.She had lots of friends, I didn't.She was happy, I wasn't.For the first time in my life I was learning what it was like to live someone else's life and the experience was illuminating.Finding out about Usako in particular, however, was disturbing.So much pain, so much suffering, and uncertainty.She had a family, but she was forced to lie and hurt them.She had friends, but she thought they only liked 'Sailor Moon'.As for being happy…It was obvious she wasn't happy either.I realized just how easy it was to take her bubbly personality as proof that everything was fine, and to dismiss that hurt look that haunted her eyes.

I wanted to shake the Mamoru in the images.I wanted him to take her by the hand and tell her she was okay the way she was.I noticed that when we criticized her fighting skills that they got worse.If she did horribly, we would make her feel so bad that she was terrified of trying again; if she did okay, we would tell her to get better making her feel like a failure; when she did perfectly, we didn't say anything, making her think nobody cared.

I was beginning to understand the warnings that had come from the sender of the portal.It was so hard to see her hurt and to know that there was nothing anybody could do about this now, that these memories would always be with her.I almost wished I could stop watching, but from the way the pause button was flashing I knew there was more to see.Breathing deeply to calm my fears, I went back to watching.

END PAUSE

I wished later that I hadn't done that to Mamoru.Not because I liked him, although it was becoming apparent that I did, but because it was wrong for me to treat anyone that way.I didn't know what Mamoru was going through, it was possible he was having a worse time then I was, so it had been selfish to take my anger out on him.I'm sure it wouldn't have happened, if I could just get a decent amount of sleep.I was so tired.

I saw Mamoru walking ahead of me.I hadn't seen him since the incident last week, so I squared my shoulders back and went to apologize.I don't know what possessed me to slap him on the back and make a joke about there being a bee.Maybe it was because I didn't have a clue as to how to have a regular conversation with him.

" Thanks for getting the bee, Usagi, I hate those things.I have to go now, see y'a", Mamoru said.I noticed he was favouring his shoulder and realized I had just hit him where he was obviously hurt.In fact, my hand was red with blood.No wonder he called me Usagi - he's disoriented.

I followed him.If he was bleeding then it was obvious he needed help, and unfortunately for him, I was the only one around.I was right behind him when he turned on me and nearly hit me,

" Usagi?God, what are you doing following me around?"

" You're hurt", I said holding up my hand." Believe it or not but I have some experience with injuries."

" Of course, with all the falling over you do.But look, I'm fine.Just get out of here."At that moment we were encased in a pink sphere of energy and brought inside a building.I awoke to find Mamoru arguing with Zoicite.Had they come after me and gotten us both by mistake?Then Zoicite disappeared and Mamoru shook me fully awake as things started to collapse around us.

" We have to get out of here!" he shouted.We made it to the elevator, but even as it started going up it began warping into this hideous Negaverse style building.It was also the slowest elevator I had ever been on.

" So Mamoru, why are you after the rainbow crystals?Oh, I guess that's pretty nosy, huh?"

" I want to know who I am", he said simply.He then proceeded to describe how he'd involved in a car accident when he was young, along with his parents.He had lived but with amnesia.His parents had died on impact.

" I'm sorry", I said sincerely.I knew there had to be some explanation for Mamoru's guarded ways, but I had never guessed it would be so tragic." It must be hard not knowing who you are".

" I get clues", he said toughly.His pose reminded me of one of Tuxedo Mask's but I then dismissed the idea.Why would Mamoru spend his time saving me?

The elevator lurched to a stop and then started to sway dangerously.I must have screamed because Mamoru put a hand on my arm.

" Don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to you", he said.I looked into his eyes and saw such sincerity that I knew I wasn't just warming up to Mamoru – I was falling in love.Nothing in the world sounded as good as having someone tell me they 'wouldn't let anything bad happen'.Someone to drown out my dreams and to keep me from thinking too much; that was heaven.The elevator shaft suddenly became ablaze with fire.In seconds the whole thing would crash down.I was going to have to transform.I looked at Mamoru, and just hoped he wouldn't laugh.

" Moon Crystal Power!"I shouted, and transformed.I got us out of there to find Zoicite laughing, thinking he had killed us.

" Takes more then a measly fireball to get rid of Sailor Moon, you should know that by now!" I said.

" Ha!It's not you I want, but your friend Tuxedo Mask."

" He's not even here", I said.

" Yes, I am", I turned and saw Mamoru transform into Tuxedo Mask.I blinked rapidly and yet the dream remained.I wonder if he's disappointed, knowing I'm Sailor Moon?As I was taking in these rather shocking events, Zoicite and Tuxedo Mask were gearing up to fight.I should have seen the crystal shard that Zoicite had materialized behind us.I should have been better prepared, just like Luna was always saying.Unfortunately, since I always seem to mess up when it matters, I didn't see the shard until it had flung itself deep into Mamoru's chest.

Everything seemed to go into slow motion.I moved towards him as his knees buckled and managed to be under him so that he wouldn't hit the ground.The mask tumbled from his eyes, and I knew when I was looking into his eyes, that things would never be the same between us again.It felt like I was seeing my future in the blue-black pools of his eyes.And my future was dying even as I watched.I couldn't stop the tears from falling, why do people have to die?Why did Mamoru have to die?Didn't anyone see how wrong the world was when things like this happened?

The tear on my cheek began to shine and all around me little jewels of coloured light began appearing.Gradually they formed into a beautiful silver crystal – THE silver crystal that we had been looking for since I started this whole crazy thing.We must be close to the princess I realized.My crescent wand rose to the air, and the crystal attached itself as though it was relieved to be back where it belonged.I don't know why but I reached for it and then my life got even more complicated – I turned into the moon princess.

I heard the scouts arrive and gasp when they saw me, I saw Mamoru's eyes focus once more on me and he smiled, having finally found his princess.I didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't her, that somebody in the cosmos had made a mistake.Then the memories began flooding in.Okay, so maybe I was she, but still, me, Usagi, a princess?Now how many people would I be failing when I screwed up?The way Mamoru looked at me though was enough to make me melt.I remembered clandestine nights on the moon, dancing under the stars.I knew what it felt like to be held in loving arms and to be kissed.I wondered if it could ever be that way again.

" Take a good look at your princess, it's the last look you'll ever get", said Zoicite vehemently.I raised the crystal and aimed at him.The damage was extensive.I winced as the crystals backlash hit me.No fooling, that crystal was one powerful weapon.

The rest of the events happened in a blur and then I passed out.I awoke later in time to hear Jupiter make a snide comment about my weight since she was carrying me.They informed me that Mamoru had been captured; they informed me that we were trapped in the building, and they informed me that I should stop my snivelling.

" But I don't want to be the princess!Do any of you understand that?I don't want to be a princess, or Sailor Moon, or anybody but plain old average Usagi", I spat out angrily.Didn't they see?Didn't they realize how hard it was going to be to live up to the expectations of a princess?

" Gotta say, never thought you were much of a leader", Rei began.

" Shut-up, Mars.I know you want to be leader, I know you hate me!"

" That's not true!Well, maybe at first, but now I know how strong you are.I'm glad you're our leader."

" Yeah, me too", said Venus.Well, I guess being the princess did have some perks.It instils loyalty if not friendship.

" Let's give her a break you guys, after all this _is _Usagi, and this is a very big deal", Amy said.You try turning into a princess, wielding a crystal that could destroy the world, finding out the guy you were crushing on is the same guy you loved a thousand years ago and that he has now been taken away, and then you tell me how normal you feel Amy.I thought I was handling it pretty well but then nobody asked me." Here's the good news, I found a way out of here."

We headed for the exit but Malachite was blocking off our escape.I took care of him and finally we were free.Free to go back to normal.I was free to go back to being Usagi, Sailor Moon, and the princess.The thought of such 'freedom' almost made me laugh – it was all so ridiculous.

For the next month or so the Negaverse did not let up.Worst of all was the fact that Tuxedo Mask had been turned against us and was now working with the enemy.I was still learning how to use the crystal, but even so every time he appeared I was supposed to try and heal him.It was so hard trying to figure out how much power to use; too much and I would kill him, too little and it wouldn't work and I'd have to start all over again.Besides that the crystal _hurt_.It had to be powered by my energy and my emotions, but sometimes it seemed to reflect emotions as well.When I cured someone who was afraid, I took that fear into myself.When I tried to cure Mamoru who emanated hatred towards me… I would hate myself a little bit more afterwards.Disoriented, weak, sore, confused, I would come out of the attack and the first thing I would hear was 'you failed'.

Those were the days when I first started to think that I couldn't go on like this.Something was going to have to change or I was going to go crazy.My friends tried to cheer me up but they thought I was sad because I missed Mamoru.That was only part of the problem.How could I tell them that I had been trying to find myself for so long that I had forgotten why was I looking?There was no relief.I would wake up, sore and tired, to be greeted with sighs from my parents because I was late and still not taking responsibility for myself.At school, I would scramble to keep up with classes that were becoming increasingly foreign to me.Maybe I could have been doing better but to catch up I needed time, and I didn't have that.After school, instead of going home and getting some sleep and taking a break from the stress that was pulling me down, I had to go to scout meetings, where I was accused of not paying attention.Couldn't they see I was just too overwhelmed? 

After meetings, I would rush home to be on time for dinner, which was sometimes good and sometimes… not so good.If I said little and ate quietly, then I could usually avoid more confrontation with my parents.However, sometimes I would see my mom looking at me with this sad look in her eyes and the food would stick in my throat.Sometimes I would have to show them my grades or get them to sign something, and then my dad would give me with this angry, disappointed look.At night, if there was no youma attack, I would shut myself in my room and do anything to keep myself from thinking.Then I would fall into a fitful sleep that was fraught with nightmares.

I said before that I thought something was going to change and in my optimism, I thought it would change for the better.What actually happened was a final confrontation with Beryl, Queen of the Negaverse.The ultimate in evil thus far and my greatest foe.Needless to say I was frightened and knowing that the guardian cats thought everyone was ready to fight, with the exception of me, was hardly uplifting.Of course, Luna did not expect me to hear that particular conversation.I can't put into words what happened to me when we arrived on that arctic tundra and began walking towards Beryl's black castle of power.How do I describe what it feels like when you watch your friend, the strongest of your group and the most supportive of you, die before your eyes?I watched Makoto give herself up to save me, saw the green flash of light that told me she was fighting, and heard her whispery words in my ear that told me she was dead.Still numb, I watched as Amy gave us time to escape while she faced the enemy alone.I never knew such courage and then she was gone too, just a last haunting vision of a girl in blue.I started to cry and I know it was hardly the time or place, but I couldn't stop myself.Why couldn't I have saved them?Why did I have to be as useless as everyone kept saying I was?

My weakness resulted in Venus, or Minako rather, getting caught also.I turned away, not wanting to see her sparkling smile and boundless energy brought to a halt.I knew she was dead too though, my heart felt her passing.Then it was just Rei and I, running across the snow swept fields, both of us knowing we were going to die, one of us thinking it wouldn't be the end.Her unswerving confidence and faith was something that had made me feel small in the past, but now I admired it.Hell, I admired her.And when she told me to go on ahead, I tried to be brave.I saw her blood flow out into the snow and thought she would have appreciated such a noble death.I turned away from the crimson snow and threw up.

I kept going somehow, intent on having their deaths count for something.Visions, thoughts, hallucinations… I have no words to describe it but suddenly I was seated in front of Beryl, and at her side was Mamoru, in his Prince Endymion incarnation.He tried to kill me.Fighting him was hard – I held back to not hurt him but he had no such compulsion.Torn and bloody, I used every weapon in my arsenal trying to bring him back.In the end it worked, and for one brief shining moment I saw him look at me with his real eyes.Then Beryl attacked and he left me… died again. I was alone.My friends were dead, my protector was dead, and inside I was dead.But I fought.I did not give up and I funnelled everything that was in my heart into that crystal.I did not matter, what mattered was that this evil was destroyed and I found strength in that.We did it, as a team through faith and willpower.Beryl was destroyed and we went back to earth, awaking without a single memory as to what had happened.


	2. Skin Deep 2

The words in capital letters are meant to show the buttons on the vortex screen.For the sake of the story I am severely messing with the real ending to Sailor Moon R – sorry.In my version, Chibiusa is only loosely connected to the story, i.e., she is not needed to defeat the evil and a trip to the future to save you know who, is definitely not going to happen.She's just hanging around, making life miserable, and the Dark Moon family are just bad guys out for no good, okay?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAUSE  
A few tears rolled down my face.I'd never considered myself to be lucky during that part of our lives - the time when I'd been brainwashed.Looking back, I realized all the things I hadn't had to feel.I couldn't imagine how I would react if one day Usako turned on me.To see her struggle so hard to get me back, when she couldn't even be sure how I felt about her.And the deaths…I hadn't realized she had been there to witness the deaths of her friends.To feel so much, and then be expected to be able to push it all to the back of your mind and fight.I don't know how she did it even though I had seen the whole thing.None of us truly appreciated how brave she was, I realized.None of us had sufficiently thanked her for giving us back our lives.If possible I loved her even more now, but I was also afraid.I could see how fragile she was and that she had so very little self-confidence.Much of her exuberant personality was a way of not feeling or thinking.She would come into a room and smile her brightest of smiles and everyone, whether they knew her or not, would respond.Then she wouldn't have to be reminded of anything bad, she could just pretend she was as happy as she made everyone else.She was so brave not to let the world change who she was, but I could see it was taking its toil. One day, that pain she kept hidden was going to come out and I didn't know if she would be able to handle it.

" I'm so sorry, Usako, I didn't know.You should have told me.I should have let you tell me", I breathed into the silence.I sighed, and released the pause button.I had a sinking suspicion that things were not going to get much better for Usako.

END PAUSE

Cardions.That was the name of the new enemies that were attacking my fair city.Luna had returned me the memories of Sailor Moon in order to confront this new threat.The others were still unaware that they were Sailor Scouts and Mamoru…Mamoru had forgotten who I was again.Only it was even worse because he no longer even wanted to argue with me like in days gone by.I wasn't worth spending any time with at all.I missed having the scouts around, even if I sometimes I questioned there friendship, because now I had nobody whatsoever to distract me from myself.

I pleaded with Luna not to revive the others though, because I knew how badly I wanted to be just a regular girl, how could I deny them that right?Of course, my time as sole Sailor Scout lasted barely a few weeks because there were simply too many cardions and I became utterly exhausted.I actually would up at the doctor's office after fainting on the way to school.My father ordered a toxin screen while I was there – they apparently thought my erratic behaviour might be blamed on drugs.Naturally, the doctors could find nothing wrong with me, and I was allowed to go home where I got two glorious days off school.I slept so deeply that I didn't even dream and I remember waking up on the second day feeling like I was finally going to be rid of the weight on my shoulders.I could breathe and I felt like I could handle anything.Unfortunately, my good mood was highly noticeable, and my parents sent me straight back to school where I was given masses of work from the days I had missed, and that night there was a particularly strong cardion.I could practically feel the weight on my shoulders come back, and with interest.

Luna then revived the other scouts to help me, and Rei made a snide comment about saving my butt yet again.I was so thrilled to see them, that I let it go that I had destroyed Beryl, and the first dozen or so cardions by myself.There was still no change in Mamoru's memories and I couldn't help but wonder if he was unconsciously repressing them.Maybe when he had found out that Sailor Moon and his princess, were actually me that he decided those were memories he didn't want back.It hurt though, to see him everyday and to know he wasn't thinking about me after all we had gone through, after all _I_ had gone through, to get him back.

The battle with the cardions came to a head, when we discovered the existence of a 'Doom Tree' – a tree that absorbed energy and fed it back to two aliens who were its protectors.We knew the aliens as Ann and Alan from our school.I was pretty sure Mamoru had a crush on Ann so I was almost glad to discover she was an energy sucking alien I could destroy.The tree wasn't really evil, however, and in the end I had to cleanse everything of the negative energy, including Ann and Alan.They left together with a pure seedling of their once great tree.I was left with a migraine, burn marks up my arms, and a Mamoru who was trying to piece together a fractured psyche.That's when he turned to me though, saying almost reverently, " Meatball head?"

I would have liked a more romantic revelation but I was so tired that I just nodded.He put his arms around me which sort-of surprised me.

" What?"

" I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.I missed you", he said.

I started to cry.By now, it's probably obvious that I do this a lot.I guess its how I release all the pent-up emotions I seem to have. I wasn't even sure if I was crying tears of joy, tears of relief, or tears of anger because I wasn't handling this right.But I swear nothing felt so good as to have Mamoru, (excuse me, Mamochan), whisper soft, shushing noises in my ear as he held me.Then the scouts had to interrupt us, but then, that's the story of my life.

Looking back, I think those first few days after the doom tree were the best ones of my life.There was no enemy, so I was slowly getting caught up on my schoolwork again.My parents were hesitant about this new maturity, having been constantly disappointed by me before, but it looked like things might improve in that department as well.I still saw the scouts, which told me that perhaps they didn't just want me because I was Sailor Moon.But by far the best part was Mamochan.I felt so safe when I was with him, so trusted.He made me think that there was something to all this fate and destiny turmoil, if it meant I could be with him.

Sometimes, at night, I would wonder what he saw in me and then worry that he was merely fulfilling his duties as proscribed by duty.He was so handsome, and mature, and intelligent, that I never stopped worrying that I didn't deserve him.He never gave me reason to think that though, so when I was with him I forget my insecurities.I told him everything and I let him have complete freedom in deciding what we would do together.My favourite thing in the world was to catch him off guard and see him smile.

I should have known that it wouldn't last very long.I mean, when was the last time I was allowed to be happy?The enemy this time came in the form of a little pink haired girl with my hairstyle.Okay, so she was actually whom we were supposed to protect from the enemies, the Dark Moon family, but the way I saw it, the trouble started with her.

Chibiusa, the little girl's name, literally fell from the sky, crashing into me and ending up in Mamoru's arms.After this disastrous interruption of one of the few days I got to spend with Mamochan, I went home to discover she had infiltrated my home.Worse, everyone in my family had been brainwashed into thinking that she belonged, that she was a cousin of ours.That made my outrage at finding her in my house, my home, look petty and immature.My parents sided with this five-year-old they had just met over me, and I would soon discover that they always would.

So I want to make it clear that things were not going overly well for me.To sum up: I was in danger of failing out of school, my parents had no trust or pride in me, I had questionable friendships, I had no self-esteem, I had a new 'cousin' who was in my house, and a new stronger enemy.At least, I had Mamochan.I couldn't be all bad if there was one person who saw something about me that was worthwhile, right?

I was despairing but then I brightened because I was supposed to be meeting the object of my affection.I hadn't seen him since Chibiusa had arrived, except very briefly when he'd been out running one morning.That had ended with a meeting with my dad, which had gone over quite badly.Since then, Mamochan had been hard to find and that was why I was so happy to be meeting him today.And he had something to tell me…I turned the corner and ran straight into my Mamochan.

" Oh that was such a majorly bad scene with my dad the other.I'm so sorry; it was humiliating I know", I rambled.

" That's okay, I guess.Look Usako, we have to talk", he said, pulling away from me.

" O-Okay," I said shakily.I think I knew right then because of his tone but apparently God or whoever was in charge wanted to make this as difficult as possible.

" I don't think we should be so close anymore", he said softly, when we were seated on our bench in the park.

" Mamochan…"

" I don't think we should see each other at all, in fact.The truth is, I don't love you.I'm sorry, I thought at first I did but…I can't be with you anymore.I don't love you Usagi, please try and forget about us."

I can't remember what happened then.Maybe I cried or maybe I screamed.Maybe I made Mamochan, sorry Mamoru, stay and spell out every detail of his dislike for me.Or maybe, he had just confirmed everything that I had been thinking about myself and therefore I didn't need any explanation.If that were true, then it would make sense that when I finally remembered to breathe, he was gone.There is no way to describe what I was feeling.I guess the best analogy I can think of is that I was standing on a precipice and the last support had been kicked out from under me.

He doesn't love me.I laughed mirthlessly when I considered how important one little word was to my control.I love you could take so much pain away; I _don't_ love you can make the world turn black.I sat on that bench long into the night.I should have felt cold, but I didn't even change positions.The shock was unbearable but when it began to wear off I began to experience something worse.Hopelessness – complete and utter despair.At midnight I heard screaming and knew I was needed.Working purely on automatic, I reached for my brooch and transformed.I felt no joy in the surge of adrenaline that pumped through my blood.In fact, I could barely see straight.

" Sailor Moon, get it in gear!"Rei yelled to me as I clumsily dodged yet another bolt of electricity from our foe.I tried, I really did but even as I raised my wand to start an attack, I saw a twirl of cape that made me go dizzy again.

" What the hell is wrong with you?Attack it!" Makoto shouted at me.

" Right", I said despondently and I finished off the monster.When it was over a team of irate soldiers surrounded me.

" That was the poorest performance I have ever seen.You could have gotten one of us killed, you could have gotten yourself killed!"Luna yelled at me.

" I don't care", I said sadly.The gasps and cries of anger fell on deaf ears.I changed back into civilian clothes and decided it was time to go home.It was two in the morning when I stumbled in through the front door.Usually I would have slipped in through my window but as I've said, I was not thinking clearly. 

" Where have you been?"My mother said from the darkened kitchen.I knew my father was gone on business so it was just she and I.

" Out", I said.

" What the hell does that mean?It's two in the morning and my fifteen-year-old daughter hasn't been home since she left this morning for school and all you can say is that you've been out?I demand an explanation Usagi."

" I wish I had one to give you.But I don't know what's going on anymore then you do, which is kind-of funny when you consider it's my life."

" Why won't you tell me?What are you hiding?Are you in some kind-of danger?Usagi, I need to know", my mother pleaded.It was so hard and I thought it wouldn't be so bad, would it, if I told her?If I confessed everything then maybe she would tuck me into bed like she used to and tell me everything was going to be all right.Just then, Luna walked in.Her large eyes took in the scene in an instant and she stared at me with so much intensity that I knew there would be no forgiveness should I reveal my identity.

" Mom, just trust me.I'm okay; everything is fine.Everything is just fine", I said stonily as I excited the kitchen to the sound of my mother's sobs.

I kept repeating the words 'everything is fine' to myself like a mantra, hoping I would come to believe it.There was so little holding me together now that I wondered if I even existed anymore.I felt almost ethereal and completely unattached.I hated that feeling of disembodiment.I'd been hurt that day and I wanted to feel pain; I wanted a simple cause and effect that I could cling to and make sense of.

" Usagi?Are you okay?Maybe I was a little hard on you today but it's because I don't want to see you get hurt.You know that, don't you?"Luna said softly to me when we were alone in my bedroom.I was getting out a first aid kit from my dresser to bandage a scrape to my hand.

" Of course Luna, that's your job.Mine is to protect people and tonight I didn't fulfill my part of the bargain.I understand completely.Now, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to be alone so I can think."

" Think?You?" she said, trying to make me laugh.I was so far away from laughing that I didn't think I even remembered what the world meant.

" I though I'd think about how I just broke my mother's heart.I thought I'd think about how Mamoru broke mine.Please, leave me alone."

Luna's eyes widened and I think she would have spoken to me if she hadn't seen the dead look in my eyes.She escaped through my window, leaving me at my desk with the first aid kit in front of me.Slowly I wrapped pure white gauze around the small wound, realizing idly that I would have to buy more tomorrow, and cutting it short with razor sharp silver scissors.

Somehow, the scissors slipped and I cut myself.It wasn't much but a thin line of blood rose to the surface and the pain was sharp and real.For the first time all day I felt something through the numb, blackness.It was so simple; I cut myself, I feel pain.Simple rules to a game I had been losing for so long.I picked up the scissors slowly, turning them under the lamp, watching them flash.Almost curiously, I pressed the edge into my forearm and drew it across.The blood welled up bright and clear and crimson.The pain was like a balm and I finally felt relief from the pressure building up inside me.I convinced myself that the pain I was feeling came from the cut, and not from Mamoru and not from life.What I was feeling was simple in origin and somehow I felt cleansed by this simple act.It wasn't even very deep – it wouldn't leave a scar.It was only a surface wound but it was exactly what I thought I needed, and I would not accept someone telling me differently.

_I guess I thought I knew you_

_But then I thought I knew myself_

_It was something of a shock to find_

_I'm lost like everyone else_

_And if we're all so troubled_

_And since nobody knows the way_

_Who are you to tell me_

_Who I should be at the end of the day?_

I opened my eyes on a morning soon after that and sighed.Another day that would be just like yesterday and it would be just as bad tomorrow.Another 'one of those' days that for me was becoming a chain.Maybe I should just give-in and call it 'one of those' lifetimes.Pulling myself off the floor, I stretched and grimaced as my muscles protested.Since Chibiusa and Luna had taken over my bed, I'd been pushed to the floor where I'd stayed for the night because I was too tired to protest.

Still stiff and sore, I walked downstairs for breakfast.I was starving, as usual, but I was also feeling a little bit dizzy.Sometimes I get like that after a battle – yet another wonderful side-affect of the crystal.

" Geeze, slow down would, save some for the rest of us", said my brother.

" Oh, what do you know?" I said angrily.

" He's right, Usagi, that's hardly ladylike behaviour", said my mother coldly.So now even my manners were questionable.Wasn't there anything about me they liked?I was so ashamed that I put down my spoon and swallowed with difficulty.

" You'd better get going Usagi.You have to pick up Chibiusa after class so you'd better not get detention.And I don't to hear ANY complaints from her later, understood?"

I nodded and got up from the table.Today, at least, I remembered my lunch, or I would have had it been in it's regular place on the counter.I looked around for it but couldn't find it and I felt kind-of guilty asking my mom for it seeing how angry she'd been with me the other day.Maybe she hadn't bothered to make me one.

" Usagi, if you don't move it you're going to be late!" my mother said, her voice telling me she was running out of patience.The clock was ticking so I walked out.If I had turned back then I would have seen Shingo and Chibiusa returning my pilfered lunch to the counter and snickering.

At school, I was so tired and hungry that it was harder then usual to pay attention, but I knew my head would be on a platter if I got a detention today, so I tried to pay attention.

" … so chlorophyll is a necessary component of the photosynthetic process.Who can tell me two products of photosynthesis?" asked my teacher, Miss Haruna.The concepts were beyond me, as usual, and I prayed desperately in my head that she wouldn't ask me.'Don't pick me, don't pick me, don't pick me', I thought and tried to shrink into my desk.Unfortunately, Miss Haruna, ignored all the raised hands and asked me,

" Usagi, why don't you tell us the answer?"

I could feel my face going red as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat." I… I don't know".

" Were you sleeping in my class again?"

" No, Miss Haruna."

" Sometimes, I don't know which is worse, you sleeping in my class or being awake and still not having a clue."

The class laughed a little and I let my head fall back to my desk and tuned them out.When the lunch rang, I was the first one out of the classroom.I met up with Makoto and we headed outside to meet Amy.

" I forgot my lunch, and I am so hungry", I complained melodramatically.

" Only you could get so upset over food", Makoto chided." Here, you can have some of mine."

" Usagi, don't tell me you forgot your lunch again?" Amy said incredulously.

" Yeah, but what else is new?I'm a ditz remember?This is really good Makoto", I said taking a small bite.

" What would you do without me?" Makoto joked.

" Die of starvation, probably", Amy teased back." Hey, didn't you say you were going to the counsellor today at lunch?"

Oh know!I had forgotten that.My parents had set up a series of appointments with the school counsellor because of my grades.They think I might have a learning disability.Well, I do, but putting 'Sailor Moon' down as abnormal stressor was not about to happen.I should probably go to this meeting even if it's just to say that there is no point wasting time on a loser like me.And I am a loser; a pathetic, ugly, horrible human being that nobody wants to have around.Mamoru certainly saw that right away, I'm sure the others will notice soon.

" Usagi, don't tell me your thinking of him again?"Makoto said, rolling her eyes in exasperation.Yeah, I'm sure it must be annoying hearing about old boyfriends all the time, isn't it Makoto?Of course, I don't say this aloud since I don't want to lose what little support I still have." Can't you get it through your head that Mamoru's a jerk?"

If Mamoru's a jerk, and he dumped me… what am I?I paste a phoney smile on my face and return brightly,

" I was totally not thinking of him.I'm thinking I'm so dead-meat if I don't get to that meeting!"I said.I jumped up and ran around the corner.On the other side of the building, my persona fell apart.

" Well, now she's happy, but I'm hungry", I heard Makoto say.

" 'Share' your lunch with Usagi is kind-of an oxymoron."

" I love her, but next time she forgets her lunch, I'm going to disappear."

" Same here when it comes to studying.I don't know how many times I explained photosynthesis to her".

I ran away until I was out of earshot.I had barely taken a bite of Makoto's lunch and besides she had offered and Amy was always looking to show off, it's not like I'd begged her to teach me about science.Oh God, I was being so unfair, wasn't I?I had taken advantage of my friends without even realizing it.I was the worst kind of person.Shakily, I knocked on the door of Mr. Carsette's, the counsellor's, office door.

" Ah, Miss Tsukino.I'd given up hope", he said.

" Sorry, Mr. Carsette, I forgot about the meeting."I could tell he was upset about the excuse, but he also seemed resigned.

" Come in.I have a few more tests for you to take, and then we'll mail them off", he stopped talking as he sat down at his desk and gave me the once over." Are you okay?Do you need to talk about something?I know from your parents that there is a new addition to your house by way of a… cousin?Do you find this arrangement stressful?"

Stressful?The fact that there is a girl in my house who has brainwashed my family into thinking she belongs?Well, she gets along better with my parents and my ex-boyfriend then I can ever did or will.She also takes over my bed when I get back exhausted from a battle, purposely gets me in trouble, and makes me that much more worried about keeping my identity secret.But I can't complain, because she's just a kid.Now, why would that be stressful?

" No there's no problem", I said.I don't sound very convincing but I'm just so tired.I find it harder and harder to care about anything, anymore.I get to work on the tests.The bell rang, signifying the end of lunch period, and I handed Mr. Carsette the tests I'd filled out.All the blank spaces made me feel stupider then usual, and I was embarrassed when he looked them over.

I made it through the rest of the day without any major problems.I avoided Makoto and Amy when I left school – I just didn't think I could face them right away.I also remembered to pick up all the books I needed for my math test tomorrow.If everything went according to plan then I would pick up Chibiusa, finally get something to eat at dinner, and then have all night to study.Having a plan made me feel a little better, but then I turned the corner and crashed into someone.I didn't even need to look at him to know it was Mamoru.Why me, and why today?Oh, who was I kidding, it was never a good time to see Mamoru.

" S-Sorry, Mamoru", I mumbled.I didn't look him in the eye.His image is so wound up in this great, black, maelstrom of pain that I can scarcely think of him as a separate being anymore.

" Whatever, Usagi.Why should I expect anything else?" Mamoru said with a weary sigh.I can only watch as he walks away.I am sorry, whether Mamoru believes me or not.I'm sorry for constantly getting in his way, I'm sorry for being so clumsy, for being immature, for being stupid, ugly, a nuisance.I'm sorry for being a constant reminder to him of his one mistake: dating me.The very idea that I could ever be good enough for him is laughable; I just can't believe he took so long to see it.He must hate that I could hold our 'relationship' as blackmail over him.He must hate me.

PAUSE

No chance of tears this time.There were too many other emotions in play.Anger that she could hide this from me; hurt that she could believe so easily that I hated her; shock that she would cut herself.My beautiful, wonderful, special, Usako had so much self-loathing that she was literally tearing herself apart.I wanted to scream at my past self.That day, why did he have to say 'whatever'?He must have seen something.At least, I should have made sure she was okay.

To think, all those times when she would beg me for forgiveness, it wasn't because she thought she had done something specific, it was because she was sorry for ever having bothered me.She was sorry to have ever considered herself worthwhile.How wrong she was.I was the one who didn't deserve her, I was the one who had been selfish and was thinking only of myself.I had never thought about what I was doing to her when I said those things, I just wanted her to be safe so I wouldn't be alone.Some protector I was.Even when we were together, I never told her she was beautiful or that I loved her.I never told her anything…

And now she thinks I hate her.She thinks I hate that she exists.She doesn't know that I wait around corners just for the chance of running into her - I didn't know those meetings caused her so much pain.I can't believe I had the audacity to think she wouldn't be as affected as I was about our break-up.How could I have been such a fool to think that because I was older, I was more serious?

Dreams.This had all started with dreams.One premonition and I had thrown away my chance to be with Usako.No wonder I had been given this opportunity to see how that choice affected her.I would never take it for granted again that I was the sole person who knew best.I did need the balance of knowing that I was not the only person who mattered.Please, tell me that it's not too late to change my mind?I won't listen to the dreams – I'll decide what's best for myself and for her.I will be her protector against whatever comes.If I have the chance… but the pause button in still flashing.There's still more to see.I hope I'm strong enough for it.

END PAUSE

Sighing, I remember that I still have to pick up Chibiusa from her playgroup.Walking quickly I arrive at the right building and knock on the door.

" Hi, I'm here to pick up Chibiusa?"I said to the woman who answered.

" Oh yes, one moment please", she said.

" Oh.It's you", Chibiusa said flatly.Charming kid, really.Still, I was determined to not let her have anything bad to say about me when we got home.I was already skating on very thin ice with my parents.

" Hey, kid-o.Want to stop for ice-cream on the way home?"

" Yeah!" she said." But don't call me kid-o."

We stopped for ice cream where I spent the very last of my savings on making Chibiusa happy.I ignored the rumblings in my own stomach.What was a little hunger, if it put me in good with my family?I came to the realization, that Chibiusa wasn't nearly so bad when she was in a good mood.It made me wonder why she was constantly angry with me; I must just rub her the wrong way.When she'd finished her treat, she grinned up at me, and yelled, " Race you home!"

She took off without waiting for a reply.I ran after her, careful to keep her in front of me and in sight.My eyes only stopped following her when she ducked into the walkway of our house.When I caught up, I couldn't see her, and reasoned logically that she had gone inside.The door, however, was locked and I had to knock.My mom answered,

" Where's Chibiusa?" she said instantly.Hello, nice to see you too, I thought.I sighed but replied,

" She should be right here, she was ahead of me…"

" Mommy, mommy!Usagi went too fast and I couldn't keep up.I thought I was lost!"Chibiusa said tearfully.My mother gave her a hug and then Chibiusa stuck her tongue out at me.The little brat was trying to get me in trouble.

" That's not what happened…"

" Usagi!I cannot believe you could be so cruel.Everyone is always saying how kind you are, but I for one have certainly not seen it.How could you do such a thing to a child?Go to your room, and don't you dare come down until I say so.I don't even want to look at you right now!"

" No, wait.Usagi didn't really do that", Chibiusa said, fearing she'd gone a little too far.

" It's nice of you to protect her, Chibiusa, but I know my daughter", said my mother coldly.

In my room, I admit I sort of lost it.All the pink, pretty, 'normal' girl things in my room suddenly seemed like a cruel joke.Normal; I would never be normal.With a rage I didn't know I had, I tore the posters from my wall, I pushed the row of crystalline figures and cosmetics to the floor where they smashed, I tore the pink wallpaper and ripped the bunny sheets from my bed.

" Usagi?What are you doing?" said a fearful Chibiusa from the doorway.I spun around angrily, my eyes fixating on her pink hair.She took a step backwards to the security of the hall, and I instantly repented my actions.I was mad at myself, not at her.

" I'm sorry.I'll try to be quieter", I said soberly.Chibiusa seemed about to say something but she shrugged her shoulders and left.I closed and locked the door.I began cleaning up the damage I had done; I didn't want to give anyone reason to worry over me.When I got to the broken glass by the dresser, I was shaking with poorly handled and constrained emotions.Perhaps, on an intellectual level, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, destructive, but I didn't know what else to do.I chose a sharp shard of glass and cut myself.

When the pain on my forearm had faded to a dull ache, I switched sides and made a similar cut on my other forearm.I liked watching that thin ribbon of red grow bigger and then get large enough to drip over the side.I would restrain myself, cutting only my forearms, because these were hidden by my school uniform and by the gloves of my Sailor Moon uniform.And I wouldn't do this all the time.Only, when I really needed it.Because I had control – I wanted control.

_I don't know where I'm going_

_I don't know when I'll arrive_

_I don't know how the story ends_

_I don't know if I'll survive_

_I don't know which choices to make_

_But here's what I'll try to prove_

_If life doesn't cause me to break_

_I'll find my way back to you_

__Three weeks later found me again in Mr. Carsette's office, this time with my parents.They sat on one side; I sat on the other.The tension was palpable and I had the distinct feeling of being in trouble, though, to my knowledge, I hadn't done anything specific as of late.I dug my nails into my arm when I started to feel the panic rising.

" First thing I want to say, is that nobody has done anything wrong.A lot of times parents feel like they need to place blame on somebody, but the truth is a learning disability is nobody's fault", Mr. Carsette said.

" So, that's definitely the problem, she's…"

Stupid?Helpless?Hopeless?Never going to amount to anything?I suggested as possible answers in my head.

" …special?"

They discussed my problems like I wasn't even there.Pointing in clear detail all the things that were wrong with me.My parents were getting more upset by the minute.They must be so ashamed of me.

" Actually, Usagi is probably quite bright.She would have to be to have gotten this far without anyone picking up on this.She has devised many tricks and methods to enable her to keep up with her classmates and up until now that has worked.But in junior high, and especially next year in high school, it is getting much too difficult to keep on top of demands.I know we've discussed holding her back this year…"

Oh God, please no.Don't let everyone know that I can't handle it.

" … but I've come up with an alternate plan.Usagi will meet with a professional, for an hour after her regular classes where she'll learn different methods and strategies, for getting around her disability.She'll also get some help in the more troubling areas of her schooling.If she keeps this up for the rest of term, two weeks, then I think we'll be able to get her a placement in summer school.That should be sufficient to allow her to continue on with her friends next year."

More school?I started to hyperventilate.I couldn't handle more school.Didn't they realize that I was already working twice as hard for the same results?Couldn't they see that I was worn out?I wouldn't, couldn't go to summer school too.It was too much to ask of me.I was positively frightened of the idea that I would spend the rest of life trying to do something and failing.

" But I…I don't want to", I said trying, to sound intelligent, but I was just so horrified.I felt tears prickling my eyes.They didn't understand; this was going to kill me.

" Usagi, you're being ungrateful.Mr. Carsette is telling you that won't be left back next year, that's good news", my father said tightly.

" But I've been working so hard, I don't know if I can keep going", I said desperately, turning from my mother, to my father, to Mr. Carsette, looking for some understanding.There was none.

" Of course you can, don't be so melodramatic.She'll do whatever it takes Mr. Carsette to bring up her grades.Won't you Usagi?" said my father, with a commanding look at me.I nodded dumbly.

" Thanks for your help, Mr.Carsette.I just wish there had been a better outcome", said my mother gathering her coat.My life is ending, I'm practically crying, and nobody gives a damn what I think.

" Take care, Usagi.I'll make up a schedule for you", Mr. Carsette said.I just nodded again; if I opened my mouth again I was sure I'd start crying.The car ride home was excruciating.We were almost there when my mother broke the silence,

" It's your sixteenth birthday next week, do you have plans?" she asked tightly.Her tone made it clear that she didn't think I really deserved a party.I didn't think I did either.

" The girls are going to plan something for me, so I probably won't be home.I know Chibiusa's going to be having her party at the house so at least that's one less person to feed", I said.

" Well, if that's what you want", my mother said.There was no further discussion.

I helped Chibiusa deliver her invitations.When I came across one addressed to Mamoru, I managed to keep my cool.All that was keeping me going was the thought of my birthday.The girls weren't really throwing me a party – we were too busy figuring out the newest members of the Dark Moon Family, Diamond and the Doom Phantom.But on my birthday I was going to go out, by myself.I thought I would go to the park and sit on the bench and look at the moon.

When Chibiusa's birthday and mine came, I did just that.I took my bag and narrowly avoided running into Mamoru as I ran out the door.The first few minutes were peaceful but I should have known what would happen.I mean it was almost a birthday tradition now.

The youma was not terribly big or tough, so I decided to take it on by myself.I transformed and went charging after it.I was right in my assumptions; the youma put up very little resistance, but when it was moon dusted, who should appear but our enemy Diamond.

" What do you want?" I hissed.

" What I've always wanted.You, the crystal, and a certain little rabbit."

" Three strikes – you're out."

" Oh I don't think so", he said and a third eye appeared in the middle of his forehead.He tried to hypnotize me, to inject some of his darkness into my mind.He was very surprised when the darkness retreated, scared by what it had seen already residing in my head.You can't make someone afraid of death when they already have a death wish.Diamond faltered and floated down until he was standing on the ground." I don't understand, you're supposed to be… you're the embodiment of light".

" Sorry to disappoint you", I said.Unbelievably, I almost was.Sorry that there was so much hatred and anguish in my soul.Sorry that I was polluting the image of the perfect princess and glorified golden child.I raised my wand and prepared to do battle.I hit him square on and he collapsed.With his last breath he threatened, " My master will come for you and will make even you quake with fear".I just hit him again and he disappeared, never to be seen again.

I used my communicator and managed to get Rei.I told her that Diamond had appeared and that he wasn't going to be bothering us anymore.

" You destroyed Diamond?I don't believe it.How could you not call us?"

" There wasn't time.Look Rei, I have to go.I have important things to do."

" I'm sure", she said, rolling her eyes." Well, have a happy birthday anyway, Usagi."

" Thanks.I will."I said and ended the connection.Have a happy birthday?How the hell was I supposed to do that?Couldn't go home because my 'replacement' is having her birthday.In fact the more I thought about it, the more perfect it seemed.Chibiusa was cute, smart, and the family favourite.My parents would be having a great time now throwing her a party, and seemed too convenient that we shared our birthdays.Mamoru would be there, maybe even a few of the scouts.There would be friends and laughter.There was nothing I could contribute, that Chibiusa could not do better.She was my replacement and a good one at that.Maybe, it would be better if I didn't go home tonight.They would forget about me and everything would go on without a hitch.

I kept walking through the deserted park, mulling over my thoughts, when I came to a pretty little bridge bathed in moonlight.I sat on the railing and looked at the swirling water below me.I hadn't planned on doing it.Or maybe, I did, or why else would I have brought the scissors with me?Pure beads of blood dropped to the water below and were swallowed up effortlessly.

" Happy birthday to me", I sang cynically.I slashed hard and felt the warm gush of blood." Happy birthday to me", I continued.I switched arms and tore deeply into the other arm." Happy sweet sixteen, pathetic Usagi", I sang creatively.My arms dropped over the side of the bridge and the thick rivulets of blood trailed down my arms, wrapped almost caressingly around my wrists and trickled off my fingers." Happy birthday to me."

My vision began to swim and part of me hoped that this meant I'd finally gone too far and that my body wouldn't heal itself this time.Of course, this wasn't true.Eventually the dizziness and nausea passed and I was just a small, broken, girl on a bridge again.I crept down to the river edge and bathed away as much of the blood I could.Fortunately, I was wearing black and the stains weren't too noticeable.My arms throbbed from the cold water and I knew I would feel this latest 'attack' for a good long time.But then I deserved it, didn't I?

" Usagi, are you even listening?" said my mother one morning at breakfast.It was the last day of school.A happy occasion for most students - not so for me.It was going to be a very long day for me because I had to take a bunch of tests and fill out applications so that I could get into summer school.That was a joke.I'd be spending my whole day stressing and panicking in order to go somewhere I had no desire to be.

" Don't you ignore us", my father said angrily.

" Sorry.I don't feel very well", I said and it was true, I didn't feel well.Probably because I hadn't been eating well, or sleeping well, and because I'd lost quite a bit of blood lately…

" That's the worst excuse I've heard in a long time, Usagi.We're counting on you to get into this school for the summer.I want you to really apply yourself."

" Yes, sir", I said." I had better get going, don't want to be late."

I trudged wearily to school, no longer giving a damn if I was late or not.What could they do to me that could possibly make my life worse?I ran into Mamoru again.No surprise there but unfortunately, it was a hard hit and I went straight to the ground.I think I must have banged my head because I had trouble orientating myself when it came to getting back up.Mamoru grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to my feet.I bit down hard on my lip to keep from crying out when he squeezed my ravaged skin.

" Sorry", I said, wrestling my arm free and walking on.The blood began seeping through the white blouse of my uniform and I stared at it.People would see this.They would find out and they would know I was weak and cowardly.I could just imagine how my classmates would stare in wonder and begin whispering about me.I couldn't face them like this.And all those tests…All the while knowing people would be looking at me, judging me, waiting for me to fail.I couldn't do this – not now, not ever.

The school came into view and my mouth went dry.My breathing increased until I was practically hyperventilating.My legs started to shake and then it got so bad that I couldn't take another step.No, please no.I can't do it.I slumped to the ground, tears forming, and knew I had given up.There was no way I could make it any further.As if on cue, it started to rain.Just a light sprinkling, but as I fled to the park and hid, it still managed to make me feel cold.

_Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain_

_And when I am empty, I'll come back again_

_When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free_

_Then I'll let you hold me_

_My secrets you'll keep_

_This is what matters _

_The rest is skin deep_

I stayed in the park all day feeling cold and lonely.I felt horrible for not having gone to school.Why did I have to be such a coward?It was only school.People went to school all the time and other people had way more challenges then an insignificant learning disability.I was no good for anything.At the appropriate time I made my way home.One look at my mother and it was clear that she knew I hadn't gone to school.She shook her head at me and then slammed her palm flat against the counter.

" Don't say a word.I am so angry right now that I don't want to look at you in case I do something we will both regret.You will go to your room and you will stay there until your father gets home.Go, now!" she hissed at me.No youma has ever scared me as badly as she did.And yet, part of me accepted it as inevitable.In fact it amazed me that they had put up with me this long.Maybe it would be better if I just didn't exist…

The more I thought about it, the better the idea seemed.In fact, it was so simple that I couldn't believe I had not considered it before.To put an end to it all, to sleep forever.No more demands on my time, no more disappointments nor failures.Wasn't that what I'd been looking for all along?

Excited, almost, by my revelation I set about making preparations.I decided not to leave any letters because I was leaving to make their lives easier, not to make them feel guilty or to think about me differently. I would use the scissors since they were familiar to me and strangely comforting.The best place would be in the bathtub to make clean up easy and if I filled the tub with body-temperature water, it would help to prevent my blood from clotting.What to wear?Certainly didn't want to be found naked but I wasn't about to ruin something nice.In the end I settled on a pair of jeans and my favourite T-shirt.Once I was changed and the bath drawn, I began to feel the first tremors of doubt.Resolutely, I clutched the scissors in my hand and walked very slowly towards the bathroom, entered, and closed the door behind me.


	3. Skin Deep 3

Skin Deep – part three.Like I said before, I wrote the song.If I could write music I'd give you the tune too but as of now it's only in my head.

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END 

The lights of the vortex suddenly went dim and I was left bereft of the knowledge that I so desperately needed.That was it?That's all I had to see?What happened now?

" You're up to the present day, the present hour now.You have finished seeing all there is to see.Did you find it useful?" said the voice, returning in the blinding luminance.

" No, I found it horrifying.Why didn't anyone help her?Why didn't you?"

" Why didn't you?You are her protector", said the speaker and for the first time she sounded angry.Then she sighed and continued on more sedately, " the fact is we all want to believe everything is fine with the ones we love.If we go looking for problems, we tend to find them.There is also only so much we can do for one another.In the end it is they who have to be strong and we can but stand by and pray they make the right decisions.But you did not answer my question.What are you prepared to do now?"

" The dreams tell me she'll die if I approach her.I know now that isn't a good enough reason to keep us apart.Nothing that says what 'might be' and what 'could be if' matters compared to what is and what's true.I love her – that's the truth.I need her and she needs me.Nothing else should have any sway over my decisions."

" You have learned a lot during your time here.Be sure to put it to good use.I will take you back now", she said.My bed landed with a soft thump on the carpet of my bedroom.I looked out the window and saw that it was nighttime.

" I thought you said no time would go by?" I said.

" So you missed one day.Time travel isn't an exact science you know.As far as the timeline goes, you left this morning and got back now.Before I leave, I want to say that I admire what you have you done.And I wish you luck.No doubt, you will need it."

" Wait, I feel I should thank you somehow.I don't even know who you are", I said.The light flashed and standing before me was a woman with long green hair and dressed in a black sailor suit.

" My name is Sailor Pluto, guardian of time.And you can thank me by saving my queen, my friend.Look after Usagi, she is important to so many", she said thickly, before stepping into a portal and disappearing.

I had to get to Usagi and stop her.I just hoped I wasn't too late.Pulling on clothes in a haphazard fashion, I grabbed my car keys and dashed down the stairs.I was slipping the keys into the car door, when I felt a familiar twinge.Sailor Moon?She was turning into Sailor Moon now?At least, she couldn't be dead if she was transforming.I turned myself into Tuxedo Mask and followed the sensations that always led me to her.

The battle was taking place atop a high skyscraper in downtown Tokyo.Even without my instincts as Tuxedo Mask, it would have been easy to find her since the sky was pitch black with a sole light shining like a beacon.She was already hard at work when I arrived.I stumbled over Mercury who was lying face down on the rough cement.Fearing the worst, I turned her over and was relieved when she immediately came to.

" What's going on?"

" Doom Phantom", Amy gasped out.

" Where are the others?"

" I think they're under that black tunnel thing", she said.She got shakily to her feet and used her visor." I don't think she's going to have enough power even with the crystal".

" Then we're going to have to giver her ours", I said.Mercury nodded and together we fought our way into the darkness.I kept my eyes on the bright, white, light.I had to get to her, somehow, and let her know she wasn't as alone as she thought.

" Usako?Usako, where are you?"I screamed.The light seemed to great brighter for a moment and then it washed over me.I saw her standing with her eyes closed and the crystal upraised above her head." Don't give up Usako, I believe in you, we all believe in you", I said to her.I don't think she even heard me but I stood by her.The scouts began feeding her their energy and the crystal grew brighter.She was in her princess form and this close to her I could see the scars in her bare arms.What was she thinking right now?I had gotten so accustomed to knowing her every thought that it seemed strange to have to ask myself how she was feeling.Drawing on the insights that I had gained, however, I imagined she was feeling that she would do this last thing.She would finish this last task for us and then she would seek her peace.

" You cannot defeat me!" said the voice from the clouds.

" Like hell we can't", I said back to it.Usagi's back stiffened and she cried out.A small rivulet of blood trickled from her mouth and I instinctively reached for her and tried to shield her from whatever was harming her.The white light began to make a dent in the Doom Phantom's column of darkness.With a scream, Usagi's threw the crystal up even higher where it gathered a pinkish glow and pierced a thousand holes in the black screen.Large cracks began to form and then it all smashed.

" No!" cried the voice as the darkness was washed away in a torrent of pure light.The crystal floated back down to rest in Usagi's outstretched hands.Her clothes returned to the jeans and T-shirt she had been wearing before.The sight of those clothes and what they were for made my mouth go dry.

" We, we did it", said Minako slowly.

" It's over.It's really over."Amy said wearily.I saw Usagi go over to Mars and Jupiter and whisper something to them, and then she started to walk away.I was about to follow her when Rei and Makoto intercepted me.So that's what she'd asked them to do – delay me so she good get away.

" You have a lot of nerve showing up at the last moment like that after what you did to her.Wanted some of the credit for defeating the big bad, is that it?Do you have any idea how awful she feels?"

Actually, I had a very good idea about how she was feeling but Rei was hardly in the mood to be placated.I didn't know what to do.I had to stop Usagi from doing something drastic, and time was running out.She could even be home by now.Worse, she was going to be drained and disoriented from the crystal, and my appearance had probably shaken her up still more.

" I'd love to explain this all to you in full detail, but I don't have the time", I said.I was stopped from leaving when Makoto clamped her hand down on my arm.

" So help me, I wanted to kill you when I saw how hurt she was.But she wouldn't let me even threaten you.What makes you think you deserve that kind-of loyalty?"

I've always liked Makoto.In many ways she is as much Usagi's protector as I am, and I would never do anything to hurt her, but I had to get to my Usako.I couldn't begin to tell them the depth of Usagi's sadness and, besides, I didn't think I should tell them.The last thing Usagi wanted was people coming to her with false sympathy in their eyes, trying to make her feel better.So, although I felt bad about it, I shoved Makoto hard and she crashed into Rei.Then I ran as fast as I could, jumping from roof-top to roof-top before arriving back at my car.I revved the engine and took off for Usagi's house.

Light was spilling out from the front room as I walked up to the front door.I could hear voices too.

" Did we do the right thing?I can't help but think we should have tried harder.She's just a little girl…"

" Ikoku, we've gone over this.She was tearing this house apart.Just look at us, we never used to yell at each other.Is this the kind-of environment we want for Shingo and Chibiusa?"

" I know, I know.Nothing we did seemed to get through to her, but she just seemed so sad.What happened to her, what changed?"

" I don't know.Maybe, this will be good for her.Maybe, this will teach her that life won't always just be handed to her on a silver plate", her father said softly.I banged on the door then, needing answers.

" Who are… you're the man Usagi introduced us to…" her mother began, but I brushed past her and headed up the stairs.Angry voices followed me as I burst into Usagi's room.It was empty and so was the bathroom.The scissors still sat innocently next to the sink.The relief I felt at not seeing Usagi in a pool of blood was short-lived however and I gave into anger." Where is she?" I raged, as her parents followed me into her room.

" We're not about to tell you", said her father.I lost it.I pushed him roughly up against the wall while Ikoku started crying in terror.

" What did you do?"

" She's not here.I told her she wasn't welcome in this house anymore", said her mother desperately.

" How could you?" I said in disbelief, releasing my hold on her husband.

" She went out, moments after being told she had to remain here.We asked her where she had been and she refused to tell us.As responsible adults, we couldn't let her keep getting away with breaking the rules."

I might have laughed, had the situation not been so tragic.Imagine, Usagi had broken her parents rules in order to save the world, and what was her reward?Thrown out onto the streets and denied the comfort that was her right.However, I couldn't blame the Tsukino's for feeling as they did.In many ways, I'm sure they thought they were helping because they didn't know they owed their very lives to their daughter.I almost pitied them that – not knowing the greatness that resided in Usagi, but now I had to find her.She had nothing at all to cling to anymore.

" Do you know which way she went?"

" No.And we don't want to.We lost our daughter tonight, and we need to mourn that loss.Please leave this house."

I did leave and got back into my car.The rain that had been falling all day was now pouring down in sheets.Somewhere out there in the dark and cold was Usagi, the world's guardian angel.She deserved so much better then this.I drove around the streets with the window down, looking aimlessly for her.It was an impossible task but I didn't know what else to do.

***

How far had I walked today?How many hours had I stood under the rain and not felt the cold sting of water?At first, I'd been shivering like mad, but that had subsided so that I wasn't even sure if I was cold anymore.Cars whizzed past me on the road, churning up muddy puddles, and splashing my legs with the grime.I was numb in body and in mind.I had saved the world tonight and yet all I wanted to do was to step in front of one of those cars that were going past.It wouldn't be hard; the roads were slick, and they wouldn't be able to stop.I worried though that it wouldn't kill me straight off and I then I realized the danger I would be putting the driver in.The driver was innocent – I couldn't do that.So I kept walking and eventually my feet brought me to a great big cable bridge.A drop from this height into the waters below, surely that would work?My brain felt fuzzy and I couldn't quite grasp what it was I was about to do.I stumbled up against the railing and looked at the swirling waters below trying to clear my head.

# 

***

I almost missed her as my car swept up the slight incline to cross over the bridge.She was so small, the rain making her blend in with her surroundings as though she was already more dead then alive.I slammed on my brakes, and fortunately the other cars behind me were alert enough to avoid me, although there were a lot of squealing brakes and muttered curses.

" Usako?" I said slowly.I didn't want to startle her.Considering her precarious balance on the rails I thought it best not to surprise her.

" I don't feel very well", she said strangely.Then I saw her eyes roll back in her head and I jumped to catch her before she fell.Fortunately, she tumbled backwards and into my arms.

" What have we done to you?" I whispered sadly, brushing the bangs from her forehead.She was feverish I noted, her forehead and cheeks hot to the touch while the rest of her was ice cold." I'll take care of you, I promise.Just rest for a while", I said, more for my sake then for hers.I put her in the passenger seat of my car and headed back to my apartment.

For three days I watched over her as she tossed and turned in my bed.The fever raged in her small body and yet it seemed no amount of blankets could keep her warm.Sometimes she would cough so hard that I thought she would have to wakeup but she never did.She just rolled over and muttered.

I called her parents to let her know she was okay.Her father answered and said he was glad that she was with friends but that she was no longer his concern.He then hung up on me.I remember I stood staring at that phone for a full minute.My parents had abandoned me when they died; hers had abandoned her when she didn't meet with their expectations.How would she recover from that?I also called her friends; or rather I called Rei and told her to spread the news.I told her that Usagi and I were going to take some time off together to work things out.I didn't tell Rei that Usagi had nowhere else to go.Last, I called a travel agent and booked a cabin up on the coast.It wasn't a beach area but rather the kind with cliffs, and rugged shoreline where we would be relatively isolated.When she woke up, I didn't want her to have to deal with anything but getting better.I knew from having watched her that what she needed immediately was sleep, food, and time to think.After that…I wasn't sure if I could do anything to help.

I was eating breakfast and wondering what to do with my day.I had taken leave from work for the next month, and school was out for summer.Feeling that someone was watching me, I broke off from my reveries, and looked up.

She stood there, still in her jeans and T-shirt, with her hair down from its meatballs and flowing around her.Her arms were crossed protectively across her chest as she looked at me with a slight questioning look in her sad eyes.

" How are you feeling?"

" Confused.Tired", she said.She seemed to sway slightly on her feet and she was obviously still weak.

" Sit down and I'll get you something to eat.What do you feel like eating?"

" Nothing.I'm not hungry", she said.Like hell she isn't.She just doesn't want to eat in front of anybody because she's scared they'll make fun of her appetite.I made her some toast and a very large glass of orange juice.There wasn't a lot of food in my house because I knew we'd be leaving soon.

" You may not feel like it, but you should try to get this down.You've been out of it for three days and you need to replace your energy."I left her sitting at the kitchen table and went to take a shower.When I came back the table was cleared and the plate cleaned and in the dish rack.Usagi was also missing.

" Damn it", I cursed as I hurriedly got dressed and left the apartment.I found her downstairs in the lobby reading a newspaper.

" I was going to leave, but it's not like I have anywhere to go.But you knew that, didn't you?" she said quietly.

" Let's go upstairs, and we'll talk about this", I said.She followed me silently.I got her to sit down on the couch and for a moment I paced up and down, unsure how to start.Piece by piece I told her about the dreams I had been experiencing and why I had thought it necessary for us to stay apart.

" So how do you feel about me, honestly?" she asked astutely.It was easy enough for me to excuse my behaviour; it was quite another thing to convince her I had never stopped loving her.

" I love you."

" I don't think I believe you."

" Understandable.But maybe one day you will."

" You really are arrogant, aren't you?You just assume I even want you want you back.I was doing fine on my own, and I don't need you or anybody", she said angrily.At least, she was finally expressing some emotion.

" Yeah, you just need a good sharp knife.You think I didn't notice this?" I said, grabbing her arm and bringing it to her face.Her eyes fastened on the scars and I could tell I had just made a serious mistake.She retreated into herself, and halted all conversation." I'm sorry, but you should know you don't have to hide things from me.I want to help Usa, I do."

There was no answer and her eyes were focused elsewhere.Running my fingers through my hair, I debated about what actions to take now.

" Let's get out of here", I said.I went and packed a bag with all the stuff I might need in the coming weeks.I came back into the living room where Usagi still sat, having never moved a muscle.I took her by the hand and pulled her unresisting body towards the door.She got into my car without a murmur of protest.We were almost out of town before I spoke again.

" I should have asked before, but is there anything you want from your house?We could probably sneak in and get it."I waited for an answer and eventually she shook her head no." Okay, then why don't we stop somewhere and get you something to wear.I bet your sick of those clothes."

I parked the car at a mall parking lot on the outskirts of town.I got out of my seat but Usagi remained strapped in.I opened her door and crouched down so we were at eye level.

" What's the matter?"

" I… I can't go in like this", she said, her voice sounding scared.So her hair was down instead of in its usual meatballs, and her clothes were rumbled and dirty, was that really a big deal?But then I noticed how she was trying to pull her sleeves down over her arms.My heart hurt just seeing that unconscious gesture of guilt.I grabbed a sweater of mine and pulled it over her head.

" It will be fine and you'll feel much better in clean clothes", I said reassuringly.I took her hand again and she seemed to almost be hiding behind me as we walked into the first department store we could find.She was not in the mood to shop and from the way she kept looking around her I knew she was nervous.It took a lot of coaxing on my part, but we finally got three pairs of pants, all black and loose; four shirts, all long sleeved, close fitting and in shades of grey or white, and a pair of pyjamas.

" Mamoru I…" she began nervously." I don't have any money but I'll pay you back, somehow, later".

" Don't worry about that now", I said.

" Can I… borrow some more then?I need a few more things", she said even more upset.

" Why don't I come with you then?" I asked worriedly.What if she decided to take that money and run?I might never see her again.Whether or not she cared to admit it, she needed me, or at least she needed someone, to look after her for a while.After my question, she blushed furiously.

" I know it's stupid, especially after all you've been through with me, but these are things I'd rather you didn't see".

Oh, now I could tell what she was getting at.What sixteen-year-old girl wants to shop for underwear with her ex-boyfriend?Well, certainly not this girl.I handed her some money without another question.

" Tell you what, I'll go pay for this stuff and meet you in the car in, say, twenty minutes?"

She nodded and walked away from me.I wondered as I saw her disappear into the store if I would ever see her again.I sat in my car and I waited as the minutes ticked by.The rain had started to fall again and I listened to its soft pings against the car roof.What had Pluto said; something about the hardest thing is when you have to let your loved one make their own decisions?I felt like this was one of those moments.I had set her free and if she came back it would be of her own free will, but if she didn't..._If _she came back: what a horrible feeling it was to not know if your heart would ever be whole again.Ten more minutes, and then restraint be damned, I'd be back in there and calling for her.I double-checked my watch when her twenty-minutes were up.Was this it?Had I lost her again?Was this to be my punishment for having left her when she needed me most?

I sat still as stone as another five minutes ticked by.My heart felt like lead and everything around me seemed to fade into shades of grey.Thirty minutes later, I climbed unsteadily from my car just as the radio began to play a haunting melody.

_Don't be afraid_

_I'll dance in the rain_

Through the gloom of the darkened parking lot I saw a vision approaching.Or at least, that's what it looked like to me.I could only stare, getting wetter by the second, as she approached the car.

" I couldn't remember where you parked and with the rain…" she said but didn't get to finish.I pulled her into my arms and held her like I was never going to let go.

" I thought you weren't coming back", I whispered tearfully into her hair.She wasn't holding me in return but I didn't care.None of it mattered because she had come back and she wasn't going to push me away.The song continued to play in the background.

_And when I am empty, I'll come back again_

_When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free_

_Then I'll let you hold me_

_My secrets you'll keep_

_This is what matters _

_The rest is skin deep_

We got to our destination quite a bit later that evening.It was a simple little cabin with a main room and kitchen combined, a bathroom, and one bedroom.From the windows you could see the sea crashing upon the rocks far below us.The kitchen was stocked with a few canned goods and I decided tomorrow was early enough to go grocery shopping.

" Why don't you take the bedroom?I'll probably be up later then you tonight anyway.You look exhausted."

" If you're sure that's okay", she said uncertainly.She grabbed some of the shopping bags and went to change.Noticing that she had left one behind, I bent to retrieve it.It clanged and rattled, which puzzled me because I thought she had bought only clothing.I took a peek inside and saw things like a toothbrush and a hairbrush; things I should have realized would also be necessary.I was closing the bag when I saw a new pair of scissors resting innocently along with everything else.

" Oh, Usako", I muttered sadly, as I knocked on her door and handed her the bag.Now wasn't the time for another confrontation.

The next morning I awoke with the sun and wearily stretched.I decided to go for a little run and when I got back, Usagi was still sleeping.I wasn't going to but I couldn't help watching her for a moment as she slept.Unlike the feverished slumbers of the other few nights, this time she was peaceful.How such a small and fragile person could hold so much pain and goodness inside her; it was one of those mysteries that you knew would never be solved.I let her sleep, knowing how much she needed her rest.

The next few days passed if not easily, then at least they passed peacefully.Usagi began to realize that I would not criticize her sleeping habits or her eating habits so she gradually lost that guilty look when she got up at noon or when she made herself a sandwich.As she regained her strength, she began to sleep less of her own accord and even went for a walk with me along the cliffs.The tension was growing between us though and I didn't know what to do about it.I came back one day from the grocery store to find Usagi pacing the length of the kitchen.

_Too much thought leads to nonsense_

_Denial brings the solace I seek_

_I'm scared of somehow losing my place_

_All the same I hate that I'm weak_

_Things are never black and white_

_So I live in perpetual day_

_One day I'll run out in the night_

_And then I'll have words to say_

" Where the hell were you?" she screamed.

" I went and got groceries.I thought I told you", I said.

" Well, you didn't.I thought I'd been left up here and I realised I don't even know where 'here' is."

" You're right, that was my fault.I should have left a note."

" I'm not a child, you know.You can't just pretend like everything is fine so I'll think that it is.I know we're going to leave her some day and I'll have to face everything again.There will be a new enemy; I'll have to go back to town, and back to school.Oh God, I forgot about school.I'll have to be held back, I'm so stupid.How could I have thought…"

" Usako, don't.You're not stupid.You've had an amazing amount of stuff happen to you in the last little while – nobody would be thinking clearly.As for school, maybe you should consider some alternate forms of schooling, but for now, try and figure out what it is that you want to do."

" Ha, I have a choice?I was thrown out of my home, what am I supposed to do about that?Go to court and force them to take care of me?Sponge off you for the rest of my life, maybe?" she said bitterly.

" You're not taking advantage of me."

" Sure I am.I don't do anything, I'm practically useless, and the only reason you're doing this is because you feel guilty that I tried to kill myself.I appreciate it; I really do, but let's face it you're only going to be around until I'm able to look after myself properly.As soon as you can be sure I won't do something horrible, you'll leave me… just like everyone else.I don't want you here because of pity."

" Damn it, it's not pity!" I shouted at her." Get this through your head.I love you.I always have and I always will.Having you here is as much for me as it is for you."

Silence greeted my words and except the sound of us steadying our breathing after the little outburst, everything was silent.

" What's going to happen to me?" she finally asked.I didn't know what to tell her.I didn't know what the future held in store for us.I wanted to tell her that she had nothing more to worry about, but that was a lie; there was only so much I could do for her.I wanted to say that everything would turn out fine because she was a good person and tried so hard, but I knew for a fact that bad things happened to good people.I wanted to go on living in this cabin forever and never share her with anyone ever again, but she was right; this escape from reality couldn't last forever.

" Why don't we take this one day at a time?We still have a few weeks here and you're still not completely healthy", I said.I turned to put the groceries away and Usagi stood up to help me.

" How about I make dinner tonight?I'd like to do something", she said.

" Okay", I said.

When the chores were done, I looked up to find Usagi staring at me once more.

" What?"

" Tell me again, why you're doing all this for me.Convince me I deserve to be here", she said.

" To start off with, I'm not doing it for you.I gave you up rather then face a life without you in it.Then, when I realized how stupid that was, I came to find you only to find out you were going to leave me this time.I can probably get through my life without you, Usako, but I don't know why I'd want to.I want to see you happy because that makes me happy.I want to see you enjoying life, because that makes me enjoy my life.I want you because I'm nothing without you", I said, and then I turned to her.I could see how much she wanted to believe what I was saying, but how hard it was to overcome what was engrained in her thoughts.I went to her and sat beside her on the couch.I took her arm in my hand and pulled back the sleeve.Light silvery scar lines traced down her skin and I very gently ran my fingers along them.I heard her gasp and looked straight into her despairing eyes." When you cut yourself, it hurts me too."

She pulled her arm back and cradled it to her." I'm sorry".

" I know you are", I said.She reached for me, putting her hands over mine tentatively.It was so brief a touch I hardly had time to react, but when she pulled away, I grabbed her hands and held them tightly.I pulled her in closer and kissed her very softly.It was a kiss unlike any other with so many other emotions in play that it was almost possible to dismiss the passion.She opened up to me and I put everything I wanted to tell her into that kiss.We broke apart and she said, 

" You've never kissed me like that before".

" I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gone so fast…" she stilled my excuses by putting a finger on my lips.

" It wasn't a reprimand, just a regret."

" Then allow me to make it up to you", I said and kissed her again.She turned away then and left to prepare dinner, but we both knew that things had taken a step in the right direction. That night I couldn't sleep for thinking about her.So much depended on me getting this right and yet so much more depended on her.She was the one who had to figure out how she was going to find the strength to live her life. 

Soon we had to get back into town.I had to get back to work and Usagi had to face her fears.We couldn't go on hiding anymore.

" Usako?" I asked when we were nearing the city.She was still too quiet for my liking.I hadn't heard her laugh in so long.

" Yes?"

" Move in with me?"

" Okay", she said simply.And that was that.Usako moved into my tiny apartment.I slept on the couch; she slept in my room, until one day when she realized that my feet hung over the edge of the couch.From then on, she slept on the couch instead of me, and I admit she fit there much better.The first day back at work, I couldn't wait to get home.I was a little scared at what I'd find but there she was calmly cooking in my kitchen.Our kitchen, I amended to myself.

" I'm going to see the girls tomorrow.What did you tell them, when we left?"

" I, uh, told them we needed some time to ourselves to sort things out.That's all I told them too", I said.

" Thanks", she whispered.

_I don't know where I belong_

_I don't know how to fit in_

_I don't know where I went wrong_

_I don't know if I'll ever win_

_I don't how to play the game_

_But I hope to pay my due_

_If I find someone who feels the same_

_I'll know that I've found you_

I went to work the next day and was actually optimistic about the future when I saw the mass amount of paper waiting for me on my desk.I was temping in a doctor's clerical office and I guess whoever had had my job while I was away, hadn't gotten around to this menial stuff.I worked all day and went I looked up, I realized it was much later then I had previously thought.My first thought was of Usako who would be worried.I dialled the number and let the phone ring for a long time before hanging up, grabbing my jacket and dashing out the door.I drove far too fast and was grateful that there weren't too many people on the road.

Sprinting up the stairs to my apartment, because I was too impatient to wait for the elevator, I thought of all the things that could have happened.I should just trust her and respect that she has a mind of her own, but I also couldn't bear the thought of losing her.

" Usako?Are you here?" I yelled as soon as I had the door open.No answer.She had made dinner again and it was stored neatly in the fridge.There was light coming from under the bathroom door.I knocked briefly, but when I got no answer I opened the door.There she was, sitting in the bathtub naked with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms covering her breasts.She was glaring at me but I wasn't convinced.I grabbed her arms and turned them towards me so that I could see them.The scars were red and puckered from the bath but there were no fresh marks.

" I'm sorry, I thought", I began.Her face was turned away from me and she tried to hide her body from my gaze." Damn it, why didn't you just answer me or get the phone when I called?"

" If you want to talk about this, can I at least have a towel?I'm not exactly comfortable like this", she mumbled.

God, I'm such an idiot sometimes.I turned around swiftly and left the bathroom.I ran my hands repeatedly through my hair, trying to regain a modicum of composure.I heard her step out of the bathroom and my eyes found hers.I didn't know if she was upset or anything.

" I'm sorry I was so late from work and that I didn't call sooner.And I'm sorry for walking in on you like I did", I said.

" I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later, considering we live together", she said.We both knew the real reason I had been in that bathroom, but neither of us felt like saying anything about it.She decided to lighten the mood a little saying, " Of course, if you really wanted to see my breasts there are better ways of going about it, I would think."

I smiled and I think I might even have blushed." For the record?You really are beautiful."

I was lying awake that night in my bedroom, not thinking about much when my bedroom door opened.She stood there in the shadows, clutching a blanket to her nervously.

" Usako, is something wrong?"She nodded her head yes and came a step closer." You can tell me."

" You were right" she burst out brokenheartedly." You were right to break in on me tonight.I wanted to do it so much, and I tried so hard not to, but I might have done it if it hadn't been for you.I thought I was getting better, but it's so hard.Why can't I just get past this?"

I got up and put my arms around her.Her tears fell on my shoulder, making it wet but I didn't care. " At least, you're struggling.It means you haven't given up", I said as I smoothed her hair.I felt her arms come around me and hold on tightly.We fell asleep just like that.

_Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain_

_And when I am empty, I'll come back again_

_When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free_

_Then I'll let you hold me_

_My secrets you'll keep_

_You are what matters_

_The rest is skin deep_

Following that incident, things were a little better between Usako and myself.She never went back to sleeping on the couch and instead we shared my bed, which was pretty easy since she was so small, and because she slept like the dead, I didn't have to worry about waking her up in the morning.She still didn't laugh, but occasionally she would smile.She also really liked to make dinner and keep house for me, which made me eager to come home in the evenings.One day I came home to find she had changed her black and grey clothes for some more colourful ones and that she was wearing a skirt.Her sleeves were pushed back while she did the dishes and she didn't seem bothered by the marks there.It was a small step, but I knew it had been a difficult one.

We talked frequently and she told me that she had been seeing the other scouts a little more frequently.I could tell she was still a little scared of being around them and all that they represented, but it was nice that she hadn't completely given up on them.We never discussed her family because I knew that it was a particularly painful subject.One day, she would be strong enough to go back and make amends, but that time wasn't now.

_Mistakes I have made still haunt me_

_But forgiveness is my freedom_

_My shadowy soul forced me to see_

_How much I could overcome_

_I figured out where I'm going_

_I had to look from the other side_

_Thought at first I was drowning_

_But from you I could never hide_

" I've been to see the specialist at my old school.I explained that I didn't think I could handle going back to school and she suggested a way of correspondence learning that would fit better with my… disability anyways.It's kind-of expensive, but since the hours would be pretty flexible, I thought I could get a part-time job or something.Well what do you think?" she asked, finally daring to meet my eyes.I was beaming at her.

" That is the best news I have heard in a long time", I said, sweeping her off her feet and into a hug." And I think the best place for you to work is at the arcade.Andrew knows about our identities, did I ever tell you that?"

" You told him?"

" Actually, he caught Luna talking to one of the machines once and from then on he kind-of pieced things together.But it would be easier to work there, especially if you have to leave suddenly.No explanations would be necessary", I said.

" Yeah, it would be kind-of hard to run after an enemy all the time and not raise suspicions."

" Who said anything about an enemy?I meant me.I plan on stealing you away with me every once and awhile without a moment's notice."

" Mamochan, what am I going to do with you?" she said with a smile on her lips.

" You called me Mamochan", I said, surprised.

" That's your name, isn't it?"

" And don't you forget it, Usako", I said, and kissed her.I felt her sigh of content against my lips and deepened the kiss.We melted into each other until it was impossible to find where I ended and she began.She was my whole world.

_I don't know when_

_I don't know how_

_I didn't know then_

_And I don't know now_

_I don't know why_

_But I feel like I'm new_

_If I can but try_

_I'll be true to you_

'School' was going much better this time around for Usagi.Her friends were surprised that she wasn't going back with them but over all they were supportive.Simple tasks that took her longer then others to grasp still frustrated her, but she was also stubborn which helped a great deal.Her job at the arcade was perfect for her.She liked meeting new people when they didn't have any expectations about her except that she bring them what they ordered, and she was popular, especially with boys her age.I could have been jealous, but all I had to do was walk in the room and she would be all smiles for me alone.I don't want it to sound like everything was perfect; it wasn't.It was hard for us sometimes, seeing as we were going out and yet living together – things that should have been compatible but because of our unique situation often posed problems.Plus, I knew Usagi so well that neither of us could pretend when one of us was hurting.Sometimes she was up and sometimes she was down; sometimes I could help her and sometimes I couldn't.

I came home one night in the pouring rain.I got into my apartment and began shaking the water off of my clothes and out of my hair.

" Did you go out today?It is really coming down out there", I said to the air.Usually, Usako would come out at this point and welcome me home.However, the apartment was quiet.Surprised I looked into the kitchen and saw a note left for me.Probably, she was out with one of the girls.I got myself a glass of milk and started drinking while I read her note.

Mamochan,

How can I begin to thank you for all you've done for me?

I can only imagine how hard it's been for you and yet you've been

so solid and understanding.So, I'm sorry to do this, but there are 

a few things I have to face on my own.I think I can do it this time.

Please remember that I love you and I hope you aren't too angry with

me.I just think this is something I need to do alone.

Yours always, Usako

I put the glass down shakily and read the note yet again.It was kind-of vague and

I didn't know if the ominous ring to it was because of my own fears or hers.I looked around the apartment, hoping that she would be there to explain what she meant.In the bathroom, everything was just as she left it only I couldn't find the scissors and I looked for them.I looked for those scissors as though they were the most precious things on earth but couldn't find them.

" Oh, Usako.This isn't the answer", I said sadly.I didn't know where she had gone but I went and got my car keys anyway.I drove around for a while and finally felt compelled to stop at the park.I got out of my car and took an umbrella before wandering around the grounds.She wasn't on the bench where we often met, and she wasn't in the rose gardens.I was about to give-up and go look somewhere else, when I finally saw her on the little bridge.The rain was still falling steadily but she was relatively easy to see.I stood there and watched, knowing that if I stopped her now it would only delay her, so I had to hope she made the right decision.I watched as she gave a shaky sob, and then pulled her arm back, and threw something silver and metallic into the water.

Then she started to laugh, thinly and with her fair share of hiccups, but it was genuine laughter.

" Usako?"

" I did it Mamochan.I did", she said.With her eyes closed, she did a little twirl, and let the rain slide down her upturned face.There was a smile on her face that had to be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.It was perfectly serene.

_So don't be afraid when I dance in the rain_

_For you are the water and I am the pain_

_When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free_

_Then I'll let you hold me_

_And my secrets you'll keep_

_Love is what matters - the rest is skin deep_

_The rest is only skin deep_

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Skin Deep

I guess I thought I knew you

But then I thought I knew myself

It was something of a shock to find

I'm lost like everyone else

And if we're all so troubled

And since nobody knows the way

Who are you to tell me

Who I should be at the end of the day?

I don't know where I'm going

I don't know when I'll arrive

I don't know how the story ends

I don't know if I'll survive

I don't know which choices to make

But here's what I'll try to prove

If life doesn't cause me to break

I'll find my way back to you

Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain

And when I am empty, I'll come back again

When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free

Then I'll let you hold me

My secrets you'll keep

This is what matters - the rest is skin deep

Too much thought leads to nonsense

Denial brings the solace I seek

I'm scared of somehow losing my place

All the same I hate that I'm weak

Things are never black and white

So I live in perpetual grey 

One day I'll run out in the night

And then I'll have words to say

I don't know where I belong

I don't know how to fit in

I don't know where I went wrong

I don't know if I'll ever win

I don't how to play the game

But I hope to pay my due

If I find someone who feels the same

I'll know that I've found you

Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain

And when I am empty, I'll come back again

When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free

Then I'll let you hold me

My secrets you'll keep

You are what matters - the rest is skin deep

Mistakes I have made still haunt me

But forgiveness is my freedom

My shadowy soul forced me to see

How much I could overcome

I figured out where I'm going

I had to look from the other side

Thought at first I was drowning

But from you I never could hide

I don't know when

I don't know how

I didn't know then

And I don't know now

I don't know why

But I feel like I'm new

If I can but try

I'll be true to you

So don't be afraid when I dance in the rain

For you are the water and I am the pain

When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free

Then I'll let you hold me

And my secrets you'll keep

Love is what matters - the rest is skin deep

The rest is only skin deep

Like it? Hate it?I would appreciate any and all comments.


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